The Tribune

By NOELLE NICOLLS

khalilanicolls@gmail.com

The Ministry of Health has been doing a great job promoting condom use with its highly creative and unconventional banana-themed “Don’t Get Caught Unpeeled” campaign. I noticed their efforts last year when they came out in full force as a socially-conscious Junkanoo group. The campaign was sustained all year, and now, with a new message - “You only have one banana. Why give everyone a piece?” - it seems to be kicking into second gear. I only hope they are preparing for another Junkanoo rush out this Christmas. Their invaluable efforts are showing how cultural production can be used in a socially conscious and purposeful way.

In observing their efforts, I was reminded of an aspect of promoting condom use that has nagged me for some time. It is an issue not usually discussed in public campaigns, if discussed any at all. It is an issue I call negotiating condom use, and I am particularly concerned about how these negotiations play out for sexually inexperienced or insecure women, under-age girls who are sexually active, and women in committed relationships.

For women and girls who are sexually active, what good is knowing the benefits of using a condom if you do not have the power to negotiate condom use?

As a matter of precaution, women should assume all men are averse to using a condom. Experience will show that even men who are open to condom use, do not like it, and will seize any and every opportunity to escape the plastic penis sock. This means every single sexual encounter becomes a negotiation. And men will test the strength of a woman’s commitment to her standards every time. The minute a woman lets up, a man will slip in. Given these dynamics, women need to be more aware when they enter sexual negotiations; they must be willing to assert their position with fortitude

and authority; and above all else, they must be willing to sacrifice sex for the sake of safety and responsible decision making.

All of this is irrelevant of course if you have no problem contracting a sexually transmitted disease or having an unplanned pregnancy. However, if your mind is set on a different kind of fate then you will do well to think about sex as a negotiation. It only takes the romance out of the act in theory. In practice, this negotiation is usually hot and steamy, because it takes place in the midst of foreplay.

Think about it: When do you ask if he has a condom? When do you ask him to put it on? How do you abort the mission if you are already in deep? Most of these questions arise after the fun has already begun.

Sexually inexperienced or insecure woman are particularly vulnerable because they are usually timid and insecure when they enter into the negotiation. They will easily fall prey to the negotiation tactics of men: I’ve been tested, you should just trust me; don’t worry, I know when to pull out; I love you, you can trust me; just this one time. In the heat of the moment, these statements make some women lose themselves, particularly when they have emotional complexes that give them a weak starting position.

Under-age girls are another category of vulnerable group; their youth makes them arrogant and adventurous and their inexperience makes them prone to poor decision making. Many under-age girls are sexually engaged with older men, sexual predators, which makes them even more vulnerable. I am sure there are many young girls who are wilfully careless and loose, but I suspect there are also some well-meaning girls who know better, but are simply pressured into having unprotected sex because they lack experience when it comes to the art of negotiation.

It might sound trite, but it takes a lot of personal courage and strength to insist that a man use a condom every single time. And women in committed or monogamous relationships should know.

In this day and age, not even marriage is a sign of fidelity. And while a woman might take the risk of having unprotected sex inside a marriage, outside of marriage it is never worth the risk.

In a committed or monogamous relationship, however, it often becomes very difficult for women to insist on condom use, every single time. The easiest way to be successful in these negotiations is to set a standard from the onset and stick to it. Do not be surprised if you feel weak at times. And do not be surprised if months, even years into the relationship, your partner is still begging to feel it raw. The important thing is to stand your ground.

Sex may very well feel better without a condom, but think about how it would feel to deal with herpes flare-ups for the rest of your life; thinking about the responsibility of an unplanned pregnancy. It only takes one time, one moment of weakness, one exception. Using a condom is not about trust. It is not about love. It is about personal health and personal responsibility.

Of course, there are many contraceptive options available to women. But if condoms are your method of choice, then wise up and master the art of negotiation.

Pan-African writer Noelle Nicolls is Follow Noelle on Twitter @noelle_elleon.