The Tribune

With a comfortable lead headed into the final week of the season, Sannie decided that we didn’t deserve explanations behind her picks anymore and that “one word was all she needed.” This is the monster that we’ve created and the regret I have to live with everyday is real. (That regret I meant is the column by the way, not the entire relationship, engagement and wedding thing. That part is cool).

WEEK 17

Jaguars at Texans

RENALDO: The Texans are trying to build up all the good karma they can headed into the playoffs. Strong move. First they turn Brandon “The Stone The Builders Turned Away” Weeden from a punchline into a starting quarterback for a playoff team and now they’re on the verge of signing Devon “You Can’t Keep A Dry Eye Listening To My Daughter’s Cancer Story” Still. I’m also all in on the Weeden bandwagon after he shaded Jerry Jones by telling the Cowboys owner to have fun watching the playoffs from the couch. It’s the most accurate pass he’s thrown all season.

JAGS over Texans

SANNIE: Texans

Steelers at Browns

RENALDO: Ryan Mallet was sent into the Baltimore Ravens as a member of the New England Patriots sleeper cell. He waited years for this moment to finally be activated and ruined Ben Roethlisberger’s shot at the playoffs. Johnny Manziel’s not a part of this plan but he just wants chaos. Men like Manziel remind you of Alfred’s quote from the Dark Knight - some men just want to watch the world burn (then do a keg stand).

STEELERS over

Browns

SANNIE: Steelers

Jets at Bills

RENALDO: Bills backup running Anthony “Boobie” Gibson called this game the Bills Super Bowl. Not only is that oddly pathetic....but the Bills never win Super Bowls.

JETS over Bills

SANNIE: Jets

Patriots at Dolphins

RENALDO: According to the Miami Herald, the Dolphins took “extra precautions” to safeguard against the Patriots cheating and gaining an unfair advantage. One question - why? Why in the world would the Pats need to cheat to beat them? Why would they need to do anything else when they automatically gain an advantage by showing up? Why the need for Miami to safeguard this precious 5-10 record? Why didn’t they think about the advantage teams would have in the offseason by just being more talented and better coached?

PATS over Dolphins

SANNIE: Pats

Titans at Colts

RENALDO: The Colts legitimately need 10 things to happen for them to get into the playoffs. There’s a distinct possibility that 9/10 of these scenarios work in their favour, including winning against the Titans. However, one of those things they need is for the Dolphins to beat the Patriots. This game is on pace for a quarterback matchup of Zach Mettenberger vs. Stephen Morris. Let that sink in.

TITANS over Colts

SANNIE: Colts

Ravens at Bengals

RENALDO: Mr Katherine Webb-McCarron has an opportunity to endear himself to the city of Cincinnati forever if he can somehow string together a pair of wins, which would include the franchise’s first playoff win since they destroyed Bo Jackson in 1990. My money’s on AJ McCarron. There are people that didn’t believe in him but there are also people that didn’t believe he could get that first date with Katherine and people that didn’t believe she would say yes...but here we are.

BENGALS over Ravens

SANNIE: Bengals

Racial Slurs at Cowboys

RENALDO: Think back to week one. The Racial Slurs lost to an awful Dolphins team, an overwhelmed Kirk Cousins was the starter and this team had no identity. By week 17 we’re talking about this team resting starters by week 17. The NFC East is such a garbage heap of football.

RACIAL SLURS

over Cowboys

SANNIE: Cowboys

Lions at Bears

RENALDO: Completely inconsequential to the playoff picture. Nobody should watch, unless it has something to do with fantasy football implications. The most entertaining part about this game will be the obligatory “Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!” references we’re sure to hear.

LIONS over Bears

SANNIE: Bears

Eagles at Giants

RENALDO: Will DeMarco Murray be able to sue Chip Kelly for taking a year off his career? Is Eli still somehow the worse Manning brother even with Peyton’s name being tossed around a PED scandal? Does anyone remember Victor Cruz? Have we solved the Odell Beckham Jr case yet?

GIANTS over Eagles

SANNIE: Giants

Rams at 49ers

RENALDO:  The Rams want to stay in St Louis. The city filed its final offer with the NFL’s Committee on Los Angeles Opportunities and the city met yesterday’s deadline for the three cities who are faced with losing their NFL teams. This game will tell me everything about how Todd Gurley felt about that decision. He had a chance to live in LA for the next decade or so.

RAMS over 49ers

SANNIE: Rams

Bucs at Panthers

RENALDO: Race for the MVP part one. This game means everything for the Cam Newton vs. Carson Palmer MVP argument. A win for the Panthers also means they clinch home field advantage throughout the playoffs, which means there’s a chance Stephen Curry could be at all the home games. Major news.

PANTHERS over Bucs

SANNIE: Panthers

Seahawks at Cardinals

RENALDO: The Cardinals have just as much to play for as the Panthers do. Palmer’s MVP candidacy, home field advantage throughout the playoffs and the mental advantage of unseating the NFC champions. This would mean there’s a chance John McCain could be at all the home games. Major news.

CARDS over Seahawks

SANNIE: Cards

Raiders at Chiefs

RENALDO: The Chiefs can get the division win and clinch the AFC West after we all wrote them off following the Jamaal Charles injury. Amazing that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian didn’t name the new West baby Charcandrick in honour of their winning streak.

CHIEFS over Raiders

SANNIE: Chiefs

Chargers at Broncos

RENALDO: Al Jazeera has done more for the Brockweiler’s confidence than Peyton Manning’s stockpile of interceptions ever did. With the HGH allegations swirling around Peyton, the Brockweiler may not be the Broncos quarterback of the future, but he’s the one they have right now.

BRONCOS over Chargers

SANNIE: Broncos

Vikings at Packers

RENALDO: We can also add Al Jazeera as another thing on the list hellbent on derailing Aaron Rodgers and the Packers’ season. It finishes third behind Jordy Nelson’s knee ligaments and Eddie Lacy’s burger habit.

PACKERS over Vikings

SANNIE: Packers