The Tribune

By Bianca Carter

The secret “M” word is miscarriage. Like postpartum depression, miscarriage is not openly talked about; not with our peers or even our family sometimes. In the aftermath of a miscarriage I imagine that it’s a dark and lonely place, and it’s unfortunately riddled with guilt and shame.

I have a couple of friends that have experienced the pain and sadness that comes from having a miscarriage.

I have heard and seen the despair and disappointment reflected when recounting those events, and me not knowing how to really comfort them; torn between wondering if a giant hug would be of any help to them or if it’s more important for them to have an ear and open heart, to just listen. What struck me with all these friends was this air of secrecy that surrounded them. They wanted to keep it private and to themselves, to almost suffer in secrecy and anonymity, just between them and their partners.

Truthfully, I respect that. I can empathise with people not wanting to wear their life experiences on their chest like a scarlet letter, but I can’t help but wonder if in fact saying it, sharing the hurt and disappointment would and could be a part of the healing. I suppose in order to truly be able to benefit from that “sharing” type of healing you would have to be certain that you were not at fault or to blame for this experience.

Miscarriages are common, more common than we realise, mostly because many people don’t speak about it. Most miscarriages happen during the first trimester and in most case scenarios the cause can’t be identified, but that somehow doesn’t stop women from blaming themselves and feeling guilty over not doing something that they should have, or even thinking that they did something wrong. It’s typical to place blame because as humans we look for reasons. We need answers, and when we don’t or can’t get them we try to justify. The most challenging part, as with many things in life, is the battle in the mind, not allowing your thoughts to beat you up or blame yourself.

The good news is that lots of women are now standing up and speaking about their experience, even with their guilt and hurt. Through their own pain some women have been able to be a voice and a source of comfort for others. When people stand up to talk about what they hurt about, other people have the courage to speak up as well. The speaking part can help with the healing part. Not as a victim but rather as a survivor, as a way to close a chapter in life and move on to the future. Many women become fearful about trying to have another baby, fearful that a miscarriage may happen again, only causing more pain. This is especially hard for women that have had multiple miscarriages.

‘Rainbow baby’ is a new term used to represent a child born after a miscarriage or loss of a child. It’s a play on the idea of beauty after the storm.

There is hope after a miscarriage or many miscarriages. If you or someone you know has suffered with a miscarriage, don’t blame yourself, feel guilt or shame by it; know that you are not alone, and you, too, can find your voice and heal with the belief that your future is beautiful and bright.

Check out our blog on Thursday for a few resources that I found interesting (http://babybunintheoven.com/blog).

Love and hugs!

• Bianca Carter is a certified lactation counsellor (CLC), founder of Bun in the Oven, and weekend radio personality on Y98 radio. For more information, e-mail her at info@babybunintheoven.com, or bcarter@tribunemedia.net. Follow BITO on Facebook at babybunintheoven, and check out the BITO Blog every Monday and Thursday at http://babybunintheoven.com.