The Tribune

By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

Last week, the Free National Movement (FNM) hosted one of the most uninspired and downright laughable conventions in recent memory. After months of internal squabbling and threats to run - letter in hand - to the Governor-General, the only thing that came out of the convention was a few insane sound bites. Shall we begin?

The Unconventional Convention

For attentive spectators, it was a foregone conclusion that the FNM’s hastily thrown together convention would be a mess: how could it not be? Anyone who’s ever tried (and failed) to put a party together a few days before the event knows that things don’t always go as planned, especially when there is precious little actual planning to begin with.

Because the FNM ran their convention the way the Progressive Liberal Party (PLP) runs the government, we were treated to hard to watch moments in the form of overlong speeches, politically incorrect speeches, chastising speeches, vacuous speeches and (my favourite) dancing speeches.

It’s a good thing there is more to conventions than speeches, such as voting and electing leadership. Except, by the time the supposed main point of the three-night event rolled around, the main contenders for the top three leadership spots had already withdrawn their names from contention, leaving thousands of Bahamians left wondering what, exactly, was the point of the highly publicised affair.

Dr Hubert Minnis is still the leader of the FNM. K Peter Turnquest is still the deputy leader of the FNM. Sidney Collie is still the party’s chairman. They may have all won re-election, but since Loretta Butler-Turner, Dr Duane Sands and Alvin Smith all decided to ‘dip out’ in the dead of night (or in Smith’s case the dead of daylight) we will never know how badly they lost this long, protracted battle.

Some will argue that the FNM at least came out of their convention united. But if accusations of fraud and underhandedness is ‘unity’ then give me chaos any day; I at least know it when I see it. (Thanks, PLP.)

Honestly, this column isn’t long enough to go through all the missteps made by the FNM last week. In fact, this whole newspaper isn’t long enough. There is enough room, however, to highlight the top five lowlights from ‘convention week.’ Or as I call it, ‘Three days and three hundred thousand dollars worth of foolery’.

5 The Dancing Doctor

Everyone saw the would-be Prime Minister of this country do a step around real issues just like our current PM Perry Christie often dances around real solutions, right? Enough said. Though Dr Minnis did manage to deliver a more thoughtful (by his standards) address on the final night, the damage had been done and the memes born. (Facebook and Instagram send their thanks, Doc.)

4 Long-winded Loretta

The main thing writing two weekly columns has taught me is that the average Bahamian has an attention span as short as a first grader. I believe the honourable MP from Long Island didn’t realise this until she entered her fortieth minute of speaking, only to be unceremoniously shouted down from the stage by overzealous Minnisites chanting “Roc wit Doc” at the top of their voices.

Yes, it was rude. Yes, it was unnecessary. Yes, it’s what happens when midnight approaches at an event that doesn’t have free food or drinks. Uncivilised? Sure. Unexpected? No. Even if Mrs Butler-Turner had paid a million dollars for her speaking slot (instead of the cut-rate deal of $100,000 she did pay), the same thing would have happened ... because of short attention spans.

3 Sold Out and Chewed Out

There was a moment at the end of Mrs Butler-Turner’s speech where she could have ended on a high note. Alas, it was not meant to be. Over high-volume chants by supporters of her opponent, Butler-Turner mustered the courage to finish her speech strong and then beckoned her other parliamentarians (some say plotters) to the stage.

After years of ‘jinxing’ her to make another play at the leadership post, every last one of those ‘honourable’ members of the so-called ‘Gang of Six’ refused the call. Richard Lightbourn refused the call. Neko Grant refused the call. Hubert Chipman refused the call. Theo Neilly refused the call. Andre Rollins refused the call. I couldn’t help but think, “Where was Lady Lyanna Mormont from Game of Thrones when Loretta needed her?”

And cowards. I couldn’t help but think of cowards. Aside from Dr Duane Sands, there were a lot of yellow bellies in the room that night.

The only thing that made things worse for Butler-Turner was being scolded from stage by Peter the Preacher, who lambasted her for going long. In the name of Jesus and unity, of course.

2 White Flags Everywhere

By daybreak on day three, there were so many white flags in the air I thought it was a Soca party.

Both Loretta Butler-Turner and Dr Duane Sands surrendered before their official defeat. Alvin Smith had done so early on, no doubt sensing impending defeat as well.

Not only were their supporters left high and dry (Loretta was a no-show on night three) but they were also left confused. What was the point of years of Facebook scraps and hard words exchanged with Minnis supporters if their candidate could walk away from the movement so abruptly?

Besides electing a few new faces to the lesser regarded posts, nothing - and I mean nothing - was really accomplished by the convention. And now their opponents in the Democratic National Alliance (DNA) and PLP have months to prepare to put on a better show.

Which shouldn’t be that hard, quite frankly.

1 Richard Lightbourn

The only story more scandalous than the convention itself was Richard Lightbourn’s speech. Women who are unmarried should be sterilised after their second child, he suggested. That will help save the government money, he suggested.

(This shocking policy position, delivered almost in slow motion to a silent audience, neglected to address what would happen to widows or divorcees, but I digress.)

Somehow, some way, a party led by a gynecologist (no less) allowed a speaker (a parliamentarian, no less) to ascend the stage and drop that pile of hot, smoking rubbish aka the ‘Two-Chirren Policy’ into the laps of Bahamians everywhere. His speech was not vetted, apparently. And in the land of ‘all buck up goes’ why would it be?

His apology notwithstanding, now is probably a good time for Mr Lightbourn to take a break from politics. A very, very long break according to social media.

Quick Bits

Minister of Education Jerome Fitzgerald has been ordered by the Supreme Court to cough up $150K for violating the constitutional rights of Save the Bays and Zack Bacon by disclosing their private emails in parliament. ‘Jeromey the Homey’ has also revealed that it was he who begged Prime Minister Christie to stay on as PLP party leader.

Basically, it was a week of bad judgement for the not too bright ‘future star’. I wonder what he will pull out of his political garbage can to camouflage his latest failures?

Member of Parliament for Tall Pines, Leslie Miller, is offended that he is being compared to Montagu MP Richard Lightbourn because making a joke about beating your girlfriend and suggesting sterilisation for unwed mothers are two totally different things ... except to a misogynist. They’re probably neck-and-neck to a misogynist.

Former Prime Minister Hubert Ingraham appeared grinning on television to warn of a PLP victory if the opposition factions remain divided. Is he jinxing Christie to stay on? Hoping Christie loses? Laughing at the FNM and DNA (whose name he refused to even mention)? Who knows. One thing is certain, he sure is enjoying the show. The only thing missing from his desk was a bucket of popcorn.

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net