The Tribune

Week 13

By RENALDO DORSETT

Sports Reporter

rdorsett@tribunemedia.net

Dallas Cowboys at

Minnesota Vikings

SANNIE: So the Cowboys have been doing really well I see, they must have been sprinkled with that Beyoncé glitter.

COWBOYS over

Vikings

RENALDO: Beyoncé glitter sounds like Jay-Z’s reward for good anniversary gifts. I have no football related input here, but I will say this…Beyoncé glitter. 

COWBOYS over

Vikings

Detroit Lions at New

Orleans Saints

RENALDO: The Lions signed former quarterback Logan Thomas as a tight end this week. Is Tim Tebow still trying to play baseball?

SAINTS over Lions

SANNIE: As much as I love New Orleans and still hope to go there one day, I also want to win and apparently that can’t happen if I choose them.

LIONS over Saints

Los Angeles Rams at

New England Patriots

SANNIE: Is this even a real choice?

PATS over Rams

RENALDO: It’s not. The only compelling choice about this game is whether Jeff Fisher chooses to allow Eric Dickerson on the Rams sidelines again.

PATS over Rams

Denver Broncos at

Jacksonville Jaguars

SANNIE: Boy, Jacksonville has only won two games? I guess they’re playing for fun now.

BRONCOS over Jags

RENALDO: I just need the Jaguars to have one single game like we all thought they would. Just one. Just try not to be Jacksonville for a week. For the good of the Dolphins, for the good of the state of Florida.

JAGS over Broncos

San Francisco 49ers at

Chicago Bears

SANNIE: Two terrible teams. I will go with the 49ers because I like me some Colin.

NINERS over Bears

RENALDO: Last week I discovered that Matt Barkley is still in the league. That’s pretty amazing that he and Scott Tolzein were starting quarterbacks in 2016. If there’s one game Kap can win…it has to be this one right?

NINERS over Bears

Houston Texans at

Green Bay Packers

SANNIE: So, these teams have the same record, sooo lets go with Beyonce’s birthplace.

TEXANS over Packers

RENALDO: The Packers just got their first rushing touchdown by a running back last week. Last week was Week 12.

TEXANS over Packers

Kansas City Chiefs at

Atlanta Falcons

SANNIE: My gut tells me to choose the Chiefs but my heart tells me Atlanta. Let’s go with my heart (this time).

FALCONS over Chiefs

RENALDO: Do your job Atlanta. I need the entire league to collude to get the Dolphins this wild card spot. By taking Jake Long No.1 overall, we gifted your city Matt Ryan. You owe us Atlanta.

FALCONS over Chiefs

Miami Dolphins at

Baltimore Ravens

SANNIE: Boy, the Dolphins on a roll. Ya’ll Bahamians should be really happy.

DOLPHINS over

Ravens

RENALDO: I need someone on the Ravens roster to say something pro-Castro. Steve Smith or Terell Suggs seems good for it. We need bulletin board material for our Cuban superhero.

DOLPHINS over

Ravens

Philadelphia Eagles at

Cincinnati Bengals

SANNIE: Well the Bengals only won three games, so this choice is pretty easy.

BENGALS over Eagles

RENALDO: How many black guys get interviewed for the Bengals head coaching job once Marvin Lewis gets fired. Is there a built in double Rooney-Rule once immediate former coach is a minority?

EAGLES over Bengals

Buffalo Bills at

Oakland Raiders

RENALDO: If this Dolphins thing doesn’t work out then I’m investing heavily in Raiders stock. What I really need is another reason to go to Vegas.

RAIDERS over Bills

SANNIE: Never thought this day would come, sigh, but I want to win so here goes. RAIDERS over Bills

Tampa Bay Bucs at

San Diego Chargers

RENALDO: Jameis Winston was asked which quarterbacks he studies to help with his game – he answered: “I watch every quarterback in this league compete.” Not in a Sarah Palin way, but I actually believe him.

BUCS over Chargers

SANNIE: So I am going to give Cameo and my brother Donavan a pass and choose their stupid team. Ya’ll better bring me some luck.

BUCS over Chargers

New York Giants at

Pittsburgh Steelers

RENALDO: I decided I would openly hate on the Giants and wish for the Dolphins to have the longest winning streak in the league, but the Steelers keep giving me even better reasons to see them fall. Now Ben TwiceAccusedOfSexualAssualtLisberger recently said the Steelers as an organisation look to end Antonio Browns touchdown celebrations. Right Ben, that’s the thing you can’t do. (False equivalency is fun in hot takes). Brown leads the league with 10 touchdown receptions, let’s make the game less fun for him.

STEELERS over Giants

SANNIE: I will be in New York next week, soooo Giants, that should bring you guys some luck.

GIANTS over Steelers

Washington Racial Slurs

at Arizona Cardinals

SANNIE: We’re still doing this?

CARDS over Racial

Slurs

RENALDO: If  by “this” you mean trotting out Carson Palmer’s carcass to pretend as if he can still football, then yes, we’re still doing this. He’s not great, but Kirk Cousins playing without Jordan Reed would look a lot like…me playing with Jordan Reed. 

CARDS over

Racial Slurs

Carolina Panthers at

Seattle Seahawks

SANNIE: Never an easy choice for me, but Russell and that baby better bring me luck.

SEAHAWKS over

Panthers

RENALDO: It’s easy to look at the quarterback matchup because that’s always the most appealing narrative for the media but I’ll go in another direction. Ron Rivera called his offensive line a catastrophe because of their inability to protect Cam Newton all season. The Seahawks return their best passer and generally angry individual Michael Bennett back to the lineup this week.

SEHAWKS over

Panthers

Indianapolis Colts at

New York Jets

SANNIE: Well the Jets suck, thanks for making this easy.

COLTS over Jets

RENALDO: So do the Colts, but they do get Andrew Luck back this week. That should be enough for them to win or, at the very least, give us some gargled “Andre the Giant-like” sound bites. Nothing in this ridiculous league is ever easy though.

COLTS over Jets