The Tribune

By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

After Wednesday’s showdown in the House of Assembly, I half entertained the idea of just submitting an official transcript of what took place in those so-called ‘hallowed halls’ in place of this week’s column.

After all, any and every person who witnessed that civility bankrupt display by the ‘honourable members’ went through various stages of laughter, shock, dismay, disgust, amusement and embarrassment. Which, if I’m being honest, are the exact emotions I imagine I inspire every week.

Nevertheless, in the spirit of the industrious Bahamian who aims to get the job done right (unlike some politicians and construction companies out there) I will do my duty and break down the insanity soup we were served this week.

‘Afoot’ in mouth disease

Minister of Foreign Affairs and Immigration Fred Mitchell has been taking a lot of Ls (as in losses) recently.

After informing the media that he would address the ‘Cuban controversy’ in the House of Assembly and practically telegraphing that he would be on a mission to ‘cut hip and call names’, Mitchell found himself surrounded by a willing Opposition and on the receiving end of the tamarind switch.

From the beginning, when Mr Mitchell began reciting Shakespeare (yes, he tried that again) saying there was “mischief afoot”, things went sideways ... so much so that it soon became clear that the Parliamentary privilege that shielded him from “individuals who perpetrated the specific mischief” outside the House could not protect him from opponents inside.

Member of Parliament for East Grand Bahama K Peter Turnquest got things going when he objected to Mitchell’s communication, asking Speaker of the House Dr Kendal Major whether the personal nature wasn’t “an abuse of process”.

The Speaker agreed (that was the first ‘L’).

Over the next few minutes, MPs Greg Moss, Dr Andre Rollins, Loretta Butler-Turner and Dr Hubert Minnis all took their turn taking a figurative pound of flesh out of Mitchell, who looked visibly shaken by the experience (that’s four more ‘Ls’ for those counting).

Even more curious was that in a place filled with ministers from the ‘gussiemae’ Cabinet as well as other PLP MPs, not one stood to defend Minister Mitchell. Not Deputy Prime Minister Philip ‘Brave’ Davis, not Minister of National Security Bernard Nottage, not even that Moss dude who won in Exuma and has never been seen or heard from since. (Come to think of it, I’m not even sure he was there that day so scratch that.)

Prime Minister Christie did interject once to say that the whole ordeal was a “national security” matter but he didn’t bother to elaborate. And he certainly did not bother to assist Mitchell in explaining why recently released Cubans Carlos Pupa and Lazaro Seara (the genesis of the controversy for Mitchell) were deemed “national security risks”.

We did learn that after getting the ‘stiff arm’ from the Cuban government, Mitchell had to have ‘su Papi’ PM Christie step in and write a letter to Raul Castro basically begging the Cubans to take ‘our’ Cubans back. Minister of Tourism Obie Wilchcombe hand-delivered the letter to Cuba but so far Castro’s response has been ‘silencio’. Or as Sweet Brown would say, “ain’t nobody gat time fa dat!”

Which pretty much sums up my feelings whenever politicians offer distractions instead of explanations.

Minister Mitchell, please explain to us why you have labelled two people (who are now out and about in society) as “security risks?” And while you’re preparing your neatly typed response please have Attorney General Allyson Maynard-Gibson and National Security Minister Bernard Nottage type up their responses too. (That’s right, Ally and Bernie ... we see you too!)

One final note on Sir Frederick’s Shakespeare reference.

In ‘Julius Caesar’, Mark Antony was so angry with Brutus and the other conspirators responsible for Caesar’s death that he gave a speech and whipped the crowd into such a frenzy they were incited to violence. That’s when he proclaimed, “Now let it work! Mischief, thou art afoot.” Antony recognised we can stir up trouble but we can’t control what happens after that.

To complete the quote by Mark Anthony, “Take thou what course thou wilt!”

Put up your Dukes

Okay, we all know by now, regular readers more than others, I’m a fan and avid lobbyist for ‘Political Prize Fights’ for charity.

This week I’ve got another pair of political pugilists ready to go, and I must say it’s quite an interesting matchup: MICAL MP V Alfred Gray versus current Fort Charlotte MP (when he’s not ‘visiting’ Long Island with Tennyson Wells) Dr Andre Rollins.

I would have no problem selling this fight on pay-per-view tv, especially to my age group because after Minister’s Gray’s ‘fighting words’ in the House this week it’s a matchup we all want to see.

I would probably enjoy watching this immensely. It would be good old ‘dusty foot’ versus the ‘Slapee’. And despite Gray having the edge in experience, there’s one thing that gives Rollins the clear-cut advantage - his haircut. As a matter of fact I can size up their likely performance in the ring based just on their ‘shape up’.

Mr Gray - ‘The Shag’

Vergeneas Alfred Gray will gingerly enter the ring and show his age with his refusal to change positively with the times as he continues to sport the Bobby Brown, new edition version of ‘The Shag’ circa 1983.

(Seriously? Really? ‘The Shag’? Do new millennium barbers even know how to cut ‘The Shag’? How old is Mr Gray’s barber? Is he the last of the ‘shag cutting’ Mohicans?)

In any case, it looks like a ‘black box’ attached to the back of his head. I think this coupled with the hair dye may cause a ventilation problem.

Mr Gray’s brain won’t be able to cool down properly. It may overheat, thus causing him to utter misogynistic asininity like, “Mr Speaker, I don’t want to be drawn into anything. When women slap you down and get away with it, it turns your head upside down. It turns you into a fool.”

Or “He can go to hell in a waste basket.”

(For the record, it’s ‘handbasket’. But one man’s well-established idiom is another man’s trash. To each his own.)

Actually, Mr Gray’s incoherent ramblings lead me to believe this match will be over before it begins.

Side note: Is it me or does Mr Gray not bear a striking resemblance to Donkey in the ‘Shrek’ trilogy?

Mr Rollins - ‘Light Fade’ (dropped low)

A contrast from his opponents ‘do’, Dr Rollins’ cut is youthful, sharp and appropriate for most political events. It offers proper and balanced ventilation for the brain, minus the toxins from the hair dye as there is no need for it at this stage of his political career.

The ‘lineup’ or ‘shape up’ disguises well the recession in Rollins’ hairline. However, if Mr Gray should land one as LBT did previously, Dr Rollins’ LeBron-like hairline offers no coverage to the facial area. Light will bounce off his exposed forehead, emphasising the ‘shiner’ below.

Dr Rollins has presented nothing but facts. He hasn’t wandered out of bounds getting caught up in Mr Gray’s mud slinging. Further proof that given a chance young leaders have many sensible contributions to make to better our nation.

In closing, Gray told Rollins, “Join me whenever you ready with your little slack head.” I doubt Rollins will take him up on the offer but voters will have a chance to land a knock-out blow to incompetent MPs next year. In the words of Rocky: “ If this is something you gotta do, then do it!”

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net.