The Tribune

By Inigo ‘Naughty’ zenicazelaya

AFTER a short, sweet and hot holiday season, I found myself sitting in front of my laptop wondering what I would write about this week.

The politicians seemed to have entered 2016 much the same way they exited 2015, making empty promises about doing better and squabbling amongst themselves.

Then that age old nemesis, “Crime”, reared its ugly head again and brought more angst, more promises and the mother of all Parliamentarian verbal jousts so far. And voila! this week’s column was born.

I know, I know.

Yes, my mother taught me to stay out of women’s business. And yes, my wife co-signs that dictum. But in my defence, when the women in question are two elected officials it’s kind of hard not to notice when a “catfight” of sorts breaks out. So let’s begin.

This week, the country was once again the subject of a travel warning that the United States Embassy issued to its citizens. After another US tourist reported an alleged rape by an alleged Bahamian jet ski operator in the capital, Uncle Sam decided to kick the whole island in the gluteus maximus by advising its citizens not to patronise jet ski operators in Nassau.

To drive the point home, the US Embassy even forbade its staff from patronising watersport operators. So I don’t count on seeing Americans on rented jet skis anytime soon. Or parasails. And definitely not Banana Boats.

But I digress.

What was alleged to have happened to the young tourist is a heinous tragedy that should not have occurred. Coincidentally, there was also a report of an alleged rape of a young Bahamian woman this week that also should not have happened. The courts, no doubt, will speak to these events with more information and clarity than I can here. And we can only hope (I guess) the Christie administration “stop playin’ ostrich” and takes its head out of the proverbial sand and gets crime under control.

What I can talk about is the WWE divas-style war of words that broke out between the Honourable Minister of Transport and Aviation Glenys Hanna Martin and the Honourable Loretta Butler-Turner after the Embassy’s warning:

Hanna Martin: But the suspect isn’t a licenced jet ski operator!

Butler Turner: You miss the point. That’s the strongest written warning I have ever seen. And I’m shocked your response isn’t particularly compassionate to the victims.

Hanna Martin: You vile, vicious, opportunistic talking head! You’re the worst I’ve ever seen! Plus you’re despicable!

Yes, it escalated that quickly.

Considering both ladies’ political pedigree and their vicious verbal jabs and barbs, this would make for a great “prize fight”, especially for charity.

Please allow my inner “Don King” to take over .... “Only in the Bahamas could you have the granddaughter of a political legend, famed for his bravado and mace-tossing skills, going up against the daughter of yet another political legend with the same opinionated, fearless tenacity of her ‘don’t you dare knight me’ father.

This event would definitely “sell out” our National Stadium, with pay-per-view on Cable Bahamas recording potentially record sales for a PPV event of any kind. Part proceeds to benefit the ongoing Hurricane Joaquin relief effort and rebuild.

It’s definitely a worthy cause, and organisers of the “Cat Fight for Charity” would ensure the donations and supplies got to the people who need it the most, not allowing them to be re-routed to other islands in our archipelago not even remotely affected by Hurricane Joaquin. Allegedly to be distributed by certain MPs to residents in and around their constituencies for future considerations at the polls. And again let me say allegedly, allegedly, allegedly.

Could you imagine the pre-match promotions? The interviews, the press conferences, documentaries, sound bites and – of course – the weigh in.

Throw in all the snide remarks and “shade” that only our “Bahamian Gals” can throw, add in the fact that both their inner “Jungaliss” will make an appearance, and we have the recipe for a massively successful event, even bigger than “Carnival” I say. And for about a quarter of the budget.

Barring that may I suggest they sit down all “lady like” and hash it out over some conch salad and a couple of Kaliks? Once they keep those inner “Jungaliss” tucked deep down inside I’m sure they can find common ground to tackle the real monster called crime.

Bon appetit!

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net.