The Tribune

By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

TO BORROW a popular colloquialism, the world of politics is ‘on fleek’ this week.

This is the time of year the two major parties of our neighbours to the north are staging their national conventions. So far, we’ve had a sprinkle of plagiarism, a dash of revenge and a major dose of crazy all around. And that’s just the Republicans.

But if you think Melania Trump, Ted Cruz, Rudy Guiliani and Chris Christie cannot be outdone by our local brand of bizarro, think again. There has been a lot of talk of our own major parties’ upcoming conventions and the stage has been set for some homegrown madness.

Broken or

just broke?

A few months ago, I was surprised when a longtime Free National Movement supporter asked my opinion on the idea that the FNM was actively trying to lose the next general election. At the time, I laughed off the question. Why would the party best positioned to win the government work to diminish its own chance at grabbing power, gaining free perks and largesse living off the taxpayer’s dime for the next five years?

Sure, the FNM certainly hasn’t helped its shot at the top with all the infighting and (too frequent) weak showing when it comes to addressing national issues. But I wrote the party’s shortcomings off as policy and public relations incompetence. Surely they would get their act together in time for their convention, right? Right?

Wrong.

This week, we learned that the FNM actually had the orbs to compel the two candidates running for the leadership position to pony up $100k each for next week’s big shindig.

According to former FNM deputy leader Loretta Butler-Turner, the party decided both she and Dr Hubert Minnis would have to add big money to the coffers in order to pull off the event in which both are vying for the leadership post. Reportedly, this is the first time in the FNM’s history a request like this has ever been made.

I don’t know about you, but if asked to personally pay $100k to play at the leadership level I would hand in my credentials, toss back their keys and ask the last person leaving the FNM to turn the lights off on their way out. There is no way a party serious about stewarding the billions of dollars that would be under their control if they win should be in such a position.

To make matters worse for the delegates and attendees used to being “balled out” by over-the top political events in the past, FNM chairman Sidney Collie warned that the upcoming convention would be on the “frugal side”. In other words, don’t come looking for no free food and libations cause een nuttin’ happening.

While I think we are long past overdue as a country in focusing on the substance rather than the style, we all know that if the FNM had it, they would spend it. They would toss millions to the wind on T-shirts like the PLP or be ‘rolling on 20s’ like the DNA, whose tour bus gives Hillary Clinton’s a run for the money. Except Clinton’s campaign relies on donations from millions of people and big business (hey, corporations are people too, my friend.)

Here in this little country of ours, the big donors hide out in their corners and play kingmaker from a distance. They are not coming out of the shadows to ‘Roc wit Doc’ it seems. Nor are the thousands of so-called hardline party supporters whose support ends where the collection plate begins.

Mr Collie also took the opportunity to advocate for reform. “This is a classic case for campaign finance reform”, he said. Actually, this is a classic case of politicians expecting Bahamians to foot the bill once again.

What, exactly, would Bahamians get out of publicly funding elections for the 20,000 parties seeking to ‘run tings’ (not to mention the 20,000 that will pop up once we start)? The average Bahamian has no say in selecting candidates (a la primaries). The parties don’t bother to stage debates so we can get a better feel for the candidates’ stance on the issues. And once elected, most MPs are harder to find than $10 in the FNM’s bank account.

As it stands, most elections cost taxpayers $3m to $5m or more. We would love to help, but the way our bank account is set up …

Don’t get me wrong: public funding of campaigns is lofty and ideal but needs to come with conditions (see primaries and debates.) And right now the biggest question is how the FNM got into this position. Obviously, something is very wrong with the way the party is being run and it’s doubtful holding the convention three months later would have made a difference unless they have a magic money tree stashed out waiting to bloom somewhere.

One other thing Mr Collie said I found very interesting. It seems anyone contesting any of the major leadership posts can enter the race right up until the last night of the convention. And get this: they won’t have to pay a penny to do so. Well played, former Prime Minister Hubert Ingraham, well played. Looks like you will get your pound of flesh and every drip of blood in the end after all.

Babies for Christie

Prime Minister Christie plans to contest his current position when the Progressive Liberal Party (PLP) holds its convention in November.

According to Mr Christie, young cabinet ministers, MPs, millions of Bahamians and even unborn babies still waiting patiently in the Lord’s arms in heaven still want him to stay on as leader. In perpetuity. Because the world will implode and be sucked into a black hole if he isn’t there as the Krazy Glue to hold everything together.

To say the idea of Mr Christie remaining as Prime Minister is ludicrous is like saying expecting Baha Mar to be completed in my lifetime is ludicrous. That’s because it is so far from reality I expect to see unicorns and leprechauns before I see that happening.

But I will say it anyway. Mr Christie, your dream to win another general election is ludicrous.

Not only are Bahamians ready to turn the page on the Christie era, they are ready to burn the whole book. This past term has been an abysmal failure. The last referendum was a sign that voters “ain’t on ya run” anymore.

That the Prime Minister would hide behind unnamed MPs to justify his insatiable appetite to rule is embarrassing. Who are these fictitious PLPs jinxing the PM to stay on? Because they need to go too.

After four and a half years of a failing economy, crime highs and job lows, enough is enough. If the PLP can survive the aftermath of losing former Prime Minister Lynden Pindling as leader it can certainly survive post-Christie.

The PLP’s famous slogan is “Believe in Bahamians”. Well, Bahamians feel that it’s time for a fresh start. Believe that.

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net