The Tribune

By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

So, the Free National Movement began their convention week on Wednesday.

For those of you who missed it because

a) you didn’t trot down to the Melia like the hundreds of FNM fanatics;

b) your cable is off;

c) you are literally the last person in the country who doesn’t have internet or knows how to ‘tief’ free wi-fi; or

d) you couldn’t care less what the Opposition is up to;

you missed quite a show.

And by show, I mean a production that was a dance/singing competition as much as it was a ‘modern’ political party convention. After seeing the first night’s events, I’m convinced that it’s going to take us another 30 years to catch up to the glitter and glitz and well-oiled machine that is the American way of putting on conventions.

The Democrats, who hosted their convention this week as well, put on quite a show with big-name headliners in Philadelphia. And even though I didn’t expect our convention to be anything like theirs I was still shocked at the contrasts as I toggled back and forth between television stations, trying to ‘Roc wit Doc’ and catch Obama’s last really big speech at the same time.

Of course, being a born-and-bred Bahamian, local politics won out for most of the night, and I’m glad I caught all the fancy footwork that seemed to enthrall a very vocal segment of our population.

Dancing with the stars?

The FNM’s convention got going according to the tried and proven formula of sticking to the Speaker-Local Unknown Performer-Speaker script. There were a few highlights in the warm-up portion: I enjoyed watching Dyson perform in his usual energetic style but, truth be told, I had to slap myself awake a few times during Chairman Sidney Collie’s speech. Not that he didn’t make sound points about the state of our nation, but it’s just that his bread and butter style of delivery at 8pm brought on the zzzs faster than watching MPs dive conch on the Parliament Channel.

Reverend Frederick McAlpine out of Freeport also took to the podium. McAlpine has always been a dynamic speaker. He has a cadence and style that usually pins listeners in their seats, hanging on to his every over-enunciated word. This time, not so much. The content of the speech was all right but somehow - some way- between the last time I heard him speak and Wednesday night his once powerful voice morphed into the drawl of a 30-year southern Baptist preacher who has a secret pack a day habit.

I’m hoping it was laryngitis that caused his scratchy vocalisation and more subdued tone.

Or perhaps he was in ‘chill mode’ in order to avoid upstaging the night’s headline act who had yet to take the stage.

A little after 10pm, the man who has led the FNM these past four years (and launched a million of those pervasive ‘Roc wit Doc’ shirts) took the microphone to give us his take on where the party and (in his estimation) the country was headed. You could tell from the moment Dr Hubert Minnis got up to address the screaming crowd this was not going to be any ordinary convention speech ... and it certainly wasn’t.

For the better part of the last four years, the country has watched in horror as the good doctor has struggled to verbalise his thoughts or present his ideas in a succinct, persuasive manner. Not that he may not have any good ideas, but he certainly lacked the tools to get them from his brain past his tongue. His speechwriters, it seems, came up with a (too clever by half) solution to avoid him actually speaking during his big speech: music!

Yes, music.

We were treated to a compilation of the best hits of yesteryear as Dr Minnis took musical interludes throughout his delivery to either dance to Ray Charles’ classic “Hit the Road Jack” or lip sync/pantomiming it all to gospel chart-toppers. It was shocking. I bet the draft of his speech looked something like, “one word - dance, two more words - sing!”

A few slogans intended as raw meat for the rabid crowd were thrown in for good measure. And my favourite line was, “Convention delegates, are you fired up and ready to fire the PLP?” (That Obama-Trump mashup actually caused me to milk-spit laugh out loud. Except I don’t drink milk. And alcohol really burns the eyes).

Yet the funny thing is, despite Minnis’ highly questionable decision to deliver a very partisan speech that seems more suited for a rally than a nationally televised opportunity to speak directly to undecideds or disenchanted FNMs, he seemed quite at home with the shenanigans. Usually, Dr Minnis seems uneasy in front of a microphone, with the body language of a sinner in church. On Wednesday, however, he seemed comfortable dancing, flailing his arms and playing up for the crowd even if it did leave him winded after a second round of marching and “Hit the Road Jack”.

Honestly, he seemed to be enjoying himself. Finally.

Now that that’s over with, I’ve got a few suggestions for the good doctor:

First, tighten up your speech-writing team. Unless you plan to “Hit the Quan” or “Do the Wiggle”, there’s no way Millennials will ‘pay you any mind’. Young people have made it abundantly clear that they are tired of all the shuffling from Prime Minister Perry - so why test their patience by literally following in his dancing footsteps?

To some, issues are actually important. And there’s (usually) no dancing allowed on the world stage.

Next, harness that newfound self-confidence in your public speaking abilities and make more appearances. If the crowd in that convention room is any indication, you seem to have a good chance at victory. If you are successful in your leadership bid, don’t go back into public speaking witness protection programme, engage your constituents (that means more radio interviews and debates in your future.)

Then, seriously tighten up your speechwriting team.

While most of the message was understandable, I couldn’t get past a few weird, ‘dark forces’ references.

Who exactly is this “enemy” you spoke of that used their vast arsenal of weaponry to tear the FNM apart? Because the last time I checked, most of the wounds were from friendly fire. And as a Bahamian, I know that politics in this country is bloodsport but PLPs (as bad as some MPs are) are not the “enemy.” At the end of the day we’re all Bahamians.

I think the word you were searching for is “inept”.

Finally, keep your word and do your best to unite the party. No doubt a few persons’ heads are on the metaphorical political chopping block but the best takeaway from the entire first night was watching all the major contenders like K Peter Turnquest, Duane Sands, Loretta Butler-Turner and yourself dance and ‘cut a rug’ like happy days are here again. I have no idea how ‘off the cuff’ the moment was but it was a moment. One in which that elusive ‘united party’ FNM members dream of actually appeared in sight if not in actuality.

Mellow ‘Papa’

Irony is a key component of stand up comedy. I’ve always found it to be hilarious when executed correctly.

So as I read News Editor Taneka Thompson’s article in Wednesday’s Tribune headlined “Ingraham: Minnis abused his power in removing Cash as delegate”, I found it very ironic and most comical that the infamous ‘Hatchet Man’ for Sir Lynden, Hubert A Ingraham seems to be mellowing in his ‘old age’.

Here’s what he had to say about the Darron Cash debacle:

“It came to my attention that Darron Cash, who was appointed to the Executive Committee by Dr Minnis, was removed by Dr Minnis. Now, this is after Minnis had called me himself and said to me that he was considering removing Darron Cash from the executive of the party because Darron was managing Loretta’s campaign and that’s why he was going to do it.

“I gave him strong advice not to do so, and my understanding in the conversation was he would not do so, that he would keep Darron on. So when it came to my attention that he actually removed Darron, I called him. I didn’t get him, I left a message - he called me back. I referred to the conversation we previously had, etc, he said yes, but other people had told him he should remove Darron and he did so. That was very disappointing and distressing.”

This can’t be the same Hubert A Ingraham who was legendary for cutting his political opponents and counterparts in the FNM from the ankles up? Symonette, Turnquest, Dupuch, Wells, McCartney and Wright are just some of the names left in Ingraham’s bloody political wake.

So now, why the disappointment in Dr Minnis’ actions?

The fact that Dr Minnis went ahead with the move is “distressing” and a “black mark against him”, Mr Ingraham added.

Again how ironic. How many moves did you make in your capacity as PM Mr Ingraham that were solely your call, especially when you went into ‘One Man Band Mode’?

Dr Minnis may have his shortcomings in certain areas - like public speaking and dancing - but he’s very savvy in others, and a brilliant political student, having learnt from Ingraham no less.

It seems like he’s covered all his bases, has done his political due diligence, and now he seems poised to reap the rewards. Taking nothing away from Mrs Butler-Turner or Darron Cash, who made a cogent argument in his own defence.

So please Mr Ingraham ... Papa ... continue to offer your advice and support. Taking into account all of your accomplishments we can only learn and get better, which is never a bad thing. However please don’t be so salty if one of your pupils uses the lessons learnt from you, against you. That’s just evolution.

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net.