The Tribune

By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

I’ve been keeping a close eye on politics in this country for a good 20 years. The one thing that always amazes me is how often Bahamians bellyache about the “same ole” politicians running the country. But then, come every general election, those same bellyachers vote the same old politicians right back in.

When the game passes you by

Since we have officially entered election season, I feel it’s a good time to impart to the Bahamian electorate the two words my mother hurled at a ten-year-old me as I lay kicking and screaming on Maura’s Toy Land over a Stretch Armstrong action figure I couldn’t have: Grow up!

Yes, Bahamas. You’re almost 43 years old, so whether you like it or not it’s time to forget about the toys, pick yourself off the floor, get your act together and “for goodness sake” grow up.

This past week, as the political engines fired up in earnest for the 2017 elections, I noted how many of the old names – famous names – started creeping back into the headlines. Names like Laing, Turnquest, Wells, Smith, Moore, Dupuch and Foulkes. Names that are so well known throughout this country they could just as well be Bird, Russell, Malone, Worthy, Thomas, Johnson and Abdul-Jabbar if we were talking basketball.

Indeed if politics were sport, all the above would no doubt have their jerseys retired for the contributions they have made to the game. And come playoff time you would find them where any respectable Hall-of-Famer should find himself – in a comfortable seat in the stands enjoying the game. Not on the court. Not in the locker room. Not lacing up his old 1990s (or 1980s) worn out sneakers in hopes of making “another run”.

So I say – with all due respect to all the over-65 political crowd who have served this country well in the past – it’s time for you to hang up those beat up Converses and have a seat. It doesn’t have to be a rocking chair, mind you (even though I personally like rocking chairs). Maybe a recliner works for you. The point is now is the time to plant yourself down and lean all the way back. Relax. Chill out. Take a break. You’ve earned it.

Which brings me to the Michael Jordan of our generation: former Prime Minister Hubert Ingraham.

Like “A Clockwork Orange”, the whispers and rumours have started up again about our former PM making a political comeback. If you follow Facebook and Whatsapp (which are never wrong) then you already know that Mr Ingraham is going to contest the leadership position when the Free National Movement goes to convention in July.

Apparently, Mr Ingraham has chosen Dr Andre Rollins as his deputy. Or maybe he’s chosen Dwayne Sands. Or will it be Loretta Butler-Turner? Facebook is still narrowing down the candidates and will soon get back to us on that.

In the meantime, allow me to delicately point out that just like Bird and Johnson, Michael Jordan needs to stay retired. In an era of Kobe Bryants, Tim Duncans and Lebron James, nobody wants to (or even needs to) see Jordan play any more. The same applies to Mr Ingraham.

I remember the Jordan era well. He was tough, he was determined, he was greatness personified. Jordan won three championships with the Chicago Bulls then retired for a short while. He decided that retirement (and baseball) wasn’t for him so he returned to Chicago and won three more. Then he retired again. But when the legend became antsy in retirement, once again he returned to basketball only to embarrass himself and (slightly) mar his legacy with a couple of pitiful seasons in Washington.

Mr Ingraham, don’t return for your season in Washington. (There’s a difference between dribbling a ball and being unceremoniously labelled as “dribbly” on social media).

Sit in the stands. Cheer. Coach. Enjoy some popcorn and Becks. Watch as the Kevin Durants and Russell Westbrooks of the world take the league to a higher level. In 2016, is there anytime more mind blowing than watching Seth, Klay and even Lebron make the impossible look easy?

Sure, Jordan can run up and down the court (slowly) and win a championship if he teamed up with any of those players. But the fact is he would need them. They definitely don’t need him. Ingraham needs Sands or Butler-Turner, but they definitely don’t need him. And nobody needs Rollins.

So while social media decides who Mr Ingraham’s deputy is going to be, let me reiterate my position one last time: Grow up, Bahamas.

The brave new world of technology, innovation and global competition we now find ourselves in cannot - will not - wait for the best of yesteryear to catch up with tomorrow.

We have some very talented, very capable young political players on our team patiently waiting for an opportunity to play. How long are we going to keep them on the bench?

How long are you going to keep supporting the same old players? How happy are you to watch your team keep losing?

Everything must go

Now that the Progressive Liberal Party and Prime Minister Perry Christie have been thoroughly embarrassed by the results of the mismanaged referendum (again!) I expect to see the mother of all sidewalk sales happening within the party in short order.

In other words, I’m sure the senior politicians in the PLP not named Christie are thinking (and plotting) ways to get rid of everything named Christie. And for good reason. It’s an out of style label they cannot profitably sell to the Bahamian public.

Surely by now even steadfast, stalwart PLPs must realise that the party will not win the next general election if the top product they have to offer is our current PM. To cut to the point, the fact is Mr Christie is simply unsellable.

Between the gambling referendum, crime, no mortgage relief, the Chinese, the ‘Numbers Boys’, the Baha Mar fiasco, BAMSI, NHI, the gas leak fiasco, the city-dump fiasco, the (mostly) lousy Cabinet and this latest failed referendum, it’s safe to say that famous snowball’s chance is stacking up better than Mr Christie’s.

Same for the PLP with Mr Christie as their leader.

The only prospect the PLP has (and I mean that as singularly as conceivable) is to elect a new leadership team during their convention and try to sell those tired dreams with some fresh faces.

Surely by now Deputy Prime Minister Philip “Brave” Davis, Minister Obie Wilchcombe and Alfred Sears realise this is their last chance to have their own personal outriders blasting them through traffic. Surely they realise the next step is a going-out-of-business sale and locks on the door?

In closing let me break it down, when the leader of the nation taps into his inner Fred Sandford as in “Elizabeth I’m coming, this is the big one”. After learning the results of the Gender Equality referendum, it’s time for young blood and strong hearts in the political arena.

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net.