The Tribune

By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

Okay, I’m entering the Gender Equality fray. Eventually I knew I was going to have to navigate this minefield of ‘political correctness’ to get my two cents in. So here we go.

No disrespect to the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) community, I hear your cries and understand you want your voice to be heard.

I want the voice of the LGBT community to be heard also, just on your own referendum exclusively for your specific needs and rights to ensure equal opportunities for the LGBT communities and eliminate discrimination in your daily lives.

Not on this one, though. I have my own personal reasons, which I will share with you shortly, why I need this referendum on Gender Equality to pass. I want to ensure that if it’s equality the women want (equality I think they richly deserve) that they get it. Ladies, you are welcome to all the rights we have as men in my humble opinion.

There are numerous ‘smoke and mirror’ routines regarding Gender Equality all over town. No misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia and all the other ‘phobias’ connected with the Gender Equality debate is attached to the discussion. Just good old fashioned objectivity from me.

The main reason I want this bill passed is to truly ensure ‘equality’ in my household.

There are several areas that need to be addressed if this bill is passed. Here they are in no particular order:

Women must now ‘equally’ assume responsibility for the entire household, so when there’s a last minute emergency, craving or errand, ‘women’ can now make that run for themselves without having to ‘delegate’ the task to the men in their lives on the drop of a dime.

Also while they are at it, women can also ‘equally’ throw out the trash, cut the grass, paint the house and wash and re-fuel the cars. Not to mention bathe the pets, big and small. (Yes, I know you take great care of your ‘cute’ little pooches but the 80-pound pitbull that actually does all the hard work guarding the home could use some love too.)

Women must also ‘equally’ accept and understand watching tons of sports while enjoying a few ‘cold ones’, ‘burping’ and ‘farting’ away. (Burps and gas are staples in the ‘Mandom’ so they must be practiced regularly and embraced by the masses of women out there seeking equality.) Here’s a helpful hint for ‘The Fart Game’ ladies: maybe if you stopped talking long enough to let pressure build up you’d be more successful at it, instead of living in denial offering up the same old mantra of ‘women don’t fart’ as you roll down the car window and blame your man as easy as 1, 2, 3.

Aim and shoot: urinating in public is also very important in the ‘Mandom’. It’s an art form that is truly dying. (Remember ladies you will never be truly equal until you can knock a lizard off a leaf from 20 feet away.)

Tools: women also need to familiarise themselves with screwdrivers (not the cocktail), hammers, saws, measuring tape, drills, sanders, grinders and duct tape. I mean how can you want equality if you can’t nail, screw and drill with the big boys.

You all should get where I’m going with this - feel free to email me your ‘equality’ suggestions. I’m sure your responses will be most enjoyable reads. Thanks in advance.

As for me, I’m off for a crash course in detergent measurements, ‘skid mark’ removal from all types of underwear, proper iron heating, ironing, bargain hunting, discount coupon cutting, quality stamp redemptions and sewing ... and the millions of other important things that women do to nurture and build our nation.

Real talk fellas, we have lots of catching up to do in this regard.

I’m all for equality among men and women. I just miss my lawnmower right about now.

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net.