The Tribune

By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

BACK in his day, former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau said “the essential ingredient of politics is timing”.

Well I guess our politicians have decided that, with the upcoming gender referendum taking a beating in the court of public opinion, now is as good a time as any to pivot to 2017.

Yes, my friends, while the country is embroiled in a hot debate surrounding the upcoming June 7 referendum and the various ‘vote No’ and ‘vote Yes’ teams remain busy lighting up the talk show lines with their two cents on gender equality, our ‘prizefighting’ politicians have turned their scopes on each other.

Instead of contributing to the national debate they have moved past (perhaps conceded?) June and are concentrating their efforts on bashing each other on the head ahead of the vote they really care about - next year’s general election.

Honestly, never have I witnessed a single week so filled with insults, ego-injuries and ingenious pre-emptive strikes as this past week. PLPs were calling out PLPs ... FNMs were recording FNMs. And of course the DNA remained ‘all mix up in big people business’.

By midweek, the arguments got so positively pugilistic that I literally pulled out my old boxing scorecards just to keep track of who was ‘beefing’ with who and who had to ‘put some respeck’ on whose name.

In case you missed it, here’s a recap:

Match 1: Lincoln v Lanisha

In the red corner: (now former) Senator Lanisha Rolle (FNM)

In the blue corner: political hopeful Lincoln Bain (FNM)

The fight: despite the high probability of Mrs Rolle becoming embroiled in another political bust-up, this particular matchup I didn’t see coming.

The two young FNMs had made numerous radio appearances together and seemed tight in philosophy and strategy. However, things apparently took a turn for the worse when Rolle tried to outmanouvre Bain for the Pinewood constituency nomination.

She allegedly hit him with a verbal beatdown to make him back down from seeking the Pinewood seat. That’s when the shrewd (some say shady?) Bain hit her with the knockout punch in the form of recorded conversations between the two.

Result: a quick and painless knockout of Mrs Rolle, who allegedly spoke so disparagingly of her fellow FNMs she basically had to run out of the ring.

Winner: no contest (Bain was also disqualified for hitting below the belt).

Match 2: Sears v Wilchcombe

In the gold corner: Minister of Tourism Obie Wilchcombe (PLP)

In the blue corner: Former Attorney General Alfred Sears (PLP)

The fight: now that Sears has been formally nominated as the standard bearer for the Progressive Liberal Party in the constituency of Fort Charlotte, he was welcomed back to the game with a quick jab to the torso by fellow party member Wilchcombe.

With rumours abounding that Sears may be in line for future leadership of the party, his fellow member (and also a leadership hopeful) Wilchcombe wasted no time reminding the public that Sears is a part of the team that failed to bring to full fruition the Caribbean Muzik Festival that reportedly cost tax payers over $600,000.

Result: Wilchcombe publicly embarrassed the ‘distinguished gentleman’ Sears, who responded with a weak ‘He cyan be talking ‘bout me!!??’ in the press.

Winner: Wilchcombe. His pre-emptive strike on Sears gave him the unanimous decision on the judges’ scorecards. Extra points for shutting down the dubious web shop/foodstore gaming alliance in the same week. (Seriously, Mama shouldn’t have to choose between buying bread or ‘numbers’.)

Match 3: Fred v Fred

In the reddish green corner: Attorney Fred Smith, QC (Independent)

In the gold corner: Minister of Foreign Affairs and Immigration Fred Mitchell (PLP)

The fight: the Queen’s Counsel Smith has launched a lawsuit that threatens to beat the brakes (and designer pants) off Minister Mitchell. In a court action that could see tens of millions of dollars move from the public treasury (and Mitchell’s personal bank accounts) to members of the environmental group Save The Bays after Mitchell (and Minister of Education Jerome Fitzgerald) were accused of allegedly becoming complicit in violating the constitutional rights of STB members by reading private emails in the House of Assembly under ‘privilege’, it’s clear Smith is not pulling any punches.

For his part, Mitchell jabbed back publicly by declaring “So this is war. This is war.”

Winner: undecided. Though the feisty Smith is ahead on all judges’ scorecards.

Main event: McCartney v Minnis

In the green corner: Attorney Branville McCartney (DNA leader)

In the red corner: Dr. Hubert Minnis (FNM leader)

The fight: after a (juicy?) rumour began circulating concerning a possible coalition government formed by the official opposition Free National Movement and fledgling Democratic National Alliance should they be victorious after the next general election, Bahamians were left scratching their heads after DNA leader Branville McCartney seemed to co-sign on the idea right before landing a suckerpunch on

FNM leader Minnis.

McCartney had tongues wagging and onlookers ogling when he declared: “Together, we would be the worst nightmare for the PLP.” But McCartney quickly turned and landed a UFC-style knee to the groin of Minnis by saying, “The FNM is in the worst state they have ever been in ... they have a leader who lost five senators in the last four years, a leader who no one wants, a leader who let the PLP grab his testicles, tie them together and wrap them around his back.”

(Please don’t imagine the visual as you read. It’s not a pretty sight.)

Minnis fought back with a soft jab to the head of the ambitious McCartney by claiming he was “turned off” by the DNA leader’s arrogance.

Winner: McCartney by technical knockout. (Honestly, once you verbally wrap a man’s testicles around his back you pretty much win the match. And if you do it physically, you are ‘champ’ for life).

Besides, the DNA benefits more from these “coalition” rumours than does the FNM. (Smarten up FNM public relations team.)

Bonus match: Gibson v McCartney

In the gold corner: Minister of Housing Shane Gibson (PLP)

In the green corner: Attorney Branville McCartney (DNA Leader)

The fight: while DNA

leader McCartney was making his victory lap around the ring after the technical knockout of Minnis, the savvy street fighter Gibson leapt into the ring and landed a stunning blow on McCartney. Declaring McCartney a “wannabe politician”, Gibson hit him in the mouth and shouted to the audience, “Who listens to Branville McCartney? Whatever he has to say I don’t listen, I didn’t hear and I’m not interested.”

McCartney didn’t see it coming.

Adding insult to injury, Gibson also announced (in the immortal words of Basketball Housewife Evelyn Lozado) that the staggering McCartney was “a non-factor”.

Winner: Gibson by knockout. (You can’t fight what you don’t see coming.)

Final analysis

After all the matches it’s clear that the undisputed loser in all of this is the Bahamian public.

We definitely need to throw in the towel on some of these punch-drunk politicians. No doubt, we need our own ‘Creed’.

Tell me, where are the new contenders?

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net