The Tribune

By Inigo ‘Naughty’ zenicazelaya

Hey there, friend. Have you ever wanted to see a politician turn into a pretzel?

Well the wait is over! Coming to the stage is none other than the Amazing Alfred, political contortionist extraordinaire!

Not only can he twist his mouth a thousand ways to Tuesday, but Amazing Alfred also has the ability to appear almost spineless as he bows and prostrates himself while balancing this big bucket of yen!

So, admittedly, I’m not in the best mood. Yes, the result of the American elections has a lot of people down but that’s not the only reason for my malaise. In truth, it’s our own home grown crazy that has me wondering what the world is coming to.

More than a week after news broke that Minister of Agriculture and Marine Resources V Alfred Gray authorised the Bahamian ambassador to China to pursue investments that would essentially allow the Chinese to ‘fish out’ our waters, he remains as a Cabinet Minister. And, according to Gray, the authorisation has not been rescinded.

The most insulting part of the ‘Gray agenda’ is the way he has discarded the cries of Bahamians over this whole scandal. Instead of listening to the people who gave him his job, Gray instead chose to chastise his fellow citizens.

As a guest on a talk radio show this week, Va-genius (as he’s known on the streets ... or something that sounds strikingly similar) turned his high-pitched, scratchy-voiced wrath on Bahamians by angrily warning, “They close down the port in Freeport, they close down all investments in the Bahamas. Then what?”

Good question.

Apparently Gray had the answer for that one: “How stupid will the Bahamian people look as leaders who allowed or caused that to happen? Because when you have money you can take it anywhere.” He went on in his bootlicking ways to say, “They don’t have to be here, they choose to be here so the least we can do is treat them well.” According to the Minister, all this genuflecting on our part would be necessary in order for them to “provide opportunity for us as a people”.

I’ll give you a moment to let that rationale sink in. It actually took me three to wrap my mind around the utterly disgraceful words uttered for all the world (including the Chinese) to hear.

Now let’s unpack this box of cow compost, piece by stinking piece, shall we?

In the first place, such a frank admission about the control the Chinese have over Grand Bahama’s port in light of the Magic City’s steady tourist dollar decline should shame this and previous governments to their hollow cores.

Second, I have know idea how “stupid” the Bahamian people will look letting Chinese investment dollars go, but it can only run a close second to how “stupid” we look now in admitting how hungry we are on Chinese investment dollars while still ‘negotiating’ so many current investments.

By V Alfred Gray’s words, we are not coming to the table as equals or invited guests; we are coming as beggars. And the sad fact of life is beggars get scraps.

In the third place (although, judging by social media it is tops on people’s angry list) the minister is not content to suck up on his own but rather admonishes the Bahamian people for not sucking up, too.

You can’t make this stuff up.

When Prime Minister Christie finally threw his two cents into this fishing mess, it was just to say (in the vague way he says everything) that he alone is responsible for Crown land and his “hands” will decide what happens to Andros. Judging by the fact that a deal to giveaway our birthright is still on the table I guess he’s busy twiddling his fingers elsewhere.

The logic in going into further dependency with a foreign nation - any foreign nation - in such a manner escapes me. If what V Alfred Gray says is correct, we’re already in a serious hole with China when it comes to the port in Freeport and several developments here in Nassau. Why keep digging?

And is this what it means to ‘Believe in Bahamians’? Outsourcing our future and children’s futures to the point we go on our knees to China to ‘provide opportunity for us as a people’?

According to Progressive Liberal Party (PLP) chairman Bradley Roberts, our country is ‘cash starved’. Basically, we’re broke, VAT money and all. Roberts also claimed that China and the United Arab Emirates are two of the ‘few places’ we can now access cash. Basically, at our current GDP to debt ratio, we’re down to our proverbial ‘drawers’.

That’s what it’s come to in these last four and a half years of PLP governance for our tiny, fledgling democracy: dependency on a Far East, far-reaching Communist country or a cash-flush Middle Eastern monarchy.

You just can’t make this stuff up.

To be honest, most Bahamians have no major reservations with a competent government making deals. In the words of the new ‘most powerful man in the free world’ Donald Trump, ‘we just want smart deals.’ Bigly. And not all our ‘chicken’ eggs in one wicker basket.

In his own defence, Minister Gray tried to deflect by spouting gibberish about the deals the former Free National Movement government had on the table with the Chinese government before they were escorted out of office. Because in Gray’s world it makes sense to say that the PLP is actually doing the exact same nonsense the government we voted out only proposed to do.

Ahh, logic!

I don’t even blame the Chinese at this point. They found a willing PLP government and boy will they ride it. It’s no wonder they are here when they can go ‘anywhere’. After securing the Freeport Container Port, Baha Mar, The Pointe and apparently all the trees in Andros, why not go fishing?

There sure is a lot of jelly in the backs of Bahamian politicians, so why would our waters be any different?

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net

Trump’s win is the golden ticket for we comedians

What you’ve read above comes from the husband, father, friend and professional in me, who is worried sick about future decisions and subsequent ramifications of those decisions, made locally by our politicians and globally in other countries.

What you’re about to read comes from the ecstatic, professional ‘stand up comedian’ side of me that is over the moon about all the new political and Presidential material that lies ahead over the next four years.

I’ve been doing stand up comedy professionally for the last 19 years and I must admit President-Elect Trump (I can’t believe I just typed that) reminds me of a past regime in the US presidency from 2000 to 2008 known as the Bush administration.

Oh what a glorious time. Comedians world wide didn’t have to write a single White House joke! All a comedian had to do was turn on CNN during breakfast and ‘whoot, there it is’; somebody had done something gloriously ignorant overnight, in the White House, and miraculously the material had written itself.

The similarities between ‘Dubbya’ (former US President George W Bush) and ‘Trumpie’ (President-Elect Donald Trump) are eerily similar, and equally humorous to us comedians on so many levels.

So instead of crying in my cornflakes like some of my fellow Bahamians on Facebook over the result of the US elections, I have decided to find the dim light in a pending Trump presidency and offer the new Supreme Leader of the Galactic Empire some help where I can in the process.

Trump’s plans for ISIS

After talking lots of ‘smack’ about what he would do to counteract ISIS if he became President during his campaign, Trump now seems to be skirting around the issue.

May I suggest to ‘el Presidente’ an option that will save American taxpayers’ money and, more importantly, keep the troops at home?

All Trump needs to do is recruit the misogynist, racist (in some cases inbred, allegedly), ‘card carrying’ members of the NRA (National Rifle Association) that voted for him and let them deal with ISIS for him. These ‘special’ individuals will help to ‘make America great again’ with their efforts, all while bringing a whole new meaning to the term ‘special ops’. Offer an incentive programme, challenge the aforementioned elements of American society to make their way to the Middle East, and take out anyone looking like ‘sand ninjas’ in ‘all black erryting’.

Whoever comes back with the most ‘ski masks’ wins a lifetime membership to the NRA, season tickets to NASCAR, a two-year supply of Jack Daniels and the ‘Best of Lynyrd Skynyrd’ DVD box set.

I can envision it now, an armada of ‘pontoon boats’, ‘airboats’ and ‘bass boats’ with ‘toothless’ singlet wearing captains, filling up the Persian Gulf screaming at the top of their blackened, four-packs-a-day lungs, “Jihad? Wait ‘til they’ve been Yee-hawed.”

ISIS wouldn’t stand a chance. Problem solved.

All the President’s mane

Solving Trump’s hair issues doesn’t have a quick fix.

It’s horrible from every angle; it looks like two squirrels quietly copulating on his head.

I must confess with just the right amount of Jack Daniels in my system, his coiff resembles Davy Crockett’s hat, and it appears to be alive!

Like Trump, I’m just going to pretend it looks normal and move on.

Living history

Not many of us get to witness history being made in our lifetimes. That’s why it’s so important to capture these rare moments when they occur.

I, along with millions of others, were poised waiting to witness one of those moments, which we were all denied with Trump’s shocking victory at the polls. I wanted to see the first African American President in the history of the United States, Barack Obama, succeeded by the first female President in the history of the United States, Hillary Clinton. Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be.

Still, in the end, it works out in a sense because I actually witnessed two historical facts with Trump’s win.

First, do you all know that Trump’s victory will mark the first time in American history that a billionaire will move into public housing recently vacated by an African-American family?

Secondly, I may have missed out on seeing the first female President in Hillary Clinton, but I did witness a form of American history being made.

You see, as a nation, the good old US of A had the first ‘white’ President in George Washington, the first ‘black’ President in Barack Obama and now the first ‘orange’ President in Donald Trump!

Let’s face it: he looks like an ‘Umpa Lumpa’ and that probably explains his unexpected mass appeal at the polls. Everybody loves ‘Umpa Lumpas’. Obviously ‘Trumpie’ is the chubby, fluffy one who made it out of Willie Wonka’s Chocolate factory, ‘Golden Ticket’ in hand!

Anyway, I’m off. President-Elect Trump will hold a press conference shortly (more material for my act) and I need to bend the elbow with Jack Daniels a few times beforehand. (All in the name of research, of course).

Until next week I will leave you with the words of Thomas Jefferson:

“Do you want to know who you are?

Don’t ask, act!

Action will delineate and define you.”