The Tribune

By YANIQUE SMITH

Disclaimer: Clutch your pearls and buckle your seat belt. This one is going to be given straight, with no chaser.

I was sharing with a friend recently about a life skills and vocational programme that I have the privilege of overseeing. This programme focuses on job training and independent living skills for adolescents with academic and developmental delays. She also shared with me a similar programme that she took part in abroad last Summer. We began to discuss why programmes like these are successful for some students but not for others.

While there are many factors that contribute to why some individuals benefit greatly from such programmes and others don’t, one factor stood out like a sore thumb – parents who do not cut the emotional umbilical cord.

The physical umbilical cord is the life line between a mother and the child in her womb. It carries oxygen and nutrients vital for the baby’s development. After the mother gives birth, this cord is cut. The baby then begins to develop, physically, on its own without the mother’s oxygen. Studies have shown that even if the ceremonial “cutting of the cord” does not take place, the cord will seal itself off after an hour and eventually fall off.

Let’s examine this from a psychological point of view. Children need emotional and mental nourishment from their parents. Similar to how food helps a child physically develop, emotional nourishment helps with their psychological maturity. This is absolutely crucial to a child’s development. A lack of emotional nourishment can hinder a child’s development and also cause psychological damage in a child.

In like manner, if an unborn baby does not receive the nutrients from its mother, it can suffer many physical defects. However, at a certain time the umbilical cord no longer serves as a channel for the mother to pass on nutrients.

The cord does not and cannot act as a life line between the mother and the child any longer. Likewise, an emotional umbilical cord should not stay connected between a mother and child forever.

The adverse effects because of this can be harmful to a child. This may cause the child to not:

• Understand the importance of decision making and consequences

• Take responsibility for their actions

• Gain a sense of independence

• Know how to set goals and follow through with them

• Earn the things they want in life

In this vocational programme, I come across many parents who are not ready to cut the cord. I gently but directly inform them that they are not actually helping their child but hindering them. I am as sympathetic as possible with any parent who is having a hard time with this situation. Nevertheless, I am also fully aware of the damage being caused if our children are not allowed the opportunity to learn how to navigate their way through life.

It may not always look like allowing them to get a job – although, it’s pretty awesome if they learn to work for their money. It can be as simple as allowing them to clean up after themselves or walk into their classroom independently. It may also look like allowing your teenager to solve a social issue on their own.

I understand how absolutely scary it can be to “let go”. I encounter many moments of feeling nervous when a student grocery shops independently for the first time or catches a public transportation. But I also see and feel the joy and accomplishment in that, for myself and the student. They get a sense of achievement by doing things on their own. No matter the scope of the disability, every child can be independent in something.

Remember, independence is a gift you give to your child. Let them feed themselves. Let them go to the bathroom on their own. Let them order their meal independently in a restaurant.

Let them make messes. Let them fall down. They’ll learn how to get up.

I assure you that I get it. I know that you want to give your child security in this world, but there’s a fine line between security and dependence. Give them a chance to find a sense of competence and security within themselves. So cut the cord and start the process of letting go.

• Parents, teachers and other interested persons can send questions and comments to tutoringtherapy@gmail.com or call 552-5909. Information provided will remain confidential. Visit the Therapy Learning Center on Facebook for more information.