The Tribune

By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

Another week, another weak performance by politicians who should know better. Let’s begin.

Allyson back in Wonderland

According to Attorney General Allyson Maynard-Gibson, the already-tabled “Interception of Communications Bill” will now (now?!) go through a process of public consultation.

As much as I’m tempted to spend the next few paragraphs focused on how backwards our government operates or how short-sighted some politicos are for basing their opposition to the Bill substantially on the timing of its introduction (which, I’ll admit, is as suspect as it gets) I won’t.

Believe it or not, I actually found time between my ten jobs to read the proposed legislation. So, instead of just regurgitating how poor the timing is to rush through such an important piece of law, I will instead turn my attention to some of the big questions and comments I have after reading the Bill because, as they say in Christie’s Wild West, there’s gold in them there mines.

It took about three minutes of intense Google research to find that our “hardworking” government officials appear to have copied a good chunk of the language for this Bill from our neighbours to the north. That’s right folks - this bill looks a lot like 18 United States Code 2518 that deals with wiretapping and communications interception.

In my estimation, it must have taken our “diligent” lawmakers at least ten minutes to slavishly copy a law already on the books in the US in a way that would make a straw vendor selling Gucci knockoffs proud.

So, obvious plagiarism aside, and knowing how the American system works with respect to privacy laws, I was intrigued by where our transparent legislators actually made changes to that law since they weren’t bound by that antiquated American Constitution or that pesky Bill of Rights. And this, my friends, is where our PLP government put in the most work making changes.

To start, before getting an “interception warrant” in the US, the State has to provide a “full and complete statement as to whether or not other investigative procedures have been tried”. Here at home, the same clause is couched in the language “if applicable”. In the US, the “period of time” the wiretapping warrant remains legal without being renewed is 30 days. The “relevant time” is three months here.

More telling of our government’s sneaky “1984” Big Brother lean is a clause that makes it mandatory for “a person” to “assist” the authorities in getting information if directed to. Does that mean wives can be forced to help the government spy? Because I’m pretty sure quite a few of them spy on their suspected cheating husbands now for free. And before you tell me that’s not the kind of information some politicians may be after, our government also proposed that in addition to “national security” and “public safety” reasons they may need to spy on us, they are apparently also foaming to do so in the “interest of public morality”.

Public morality?

The last time I checked, we are supposed to be a nation of laws. If a law will be broken, by, say, someone plotting to burn down Parliament, then okay. Sure. But what is this ‘interest of public morality’ that is not covered by a specific law? Could it be evidence of a rival politician ‘rapping’ to his sweetheart on WhatsApp? An outspoken activist organising a protest in a secret Facebook group? Anyone donating obscene amounts of money to the opposition?

I bet enough morally questionable things happen in cyberspace (that are not actually illegal) to fill a virtual political garbage can.

Another quick Google search of “morality laws” brought up a slew of references to pornography as something usually opposed on these grounds. I hate to say it, but according to the website traffic tracker Alexa, the only websites Bahamians visit more than the “adult” ones are the online gambling sites. A subjective “public morality” wiretap could catch a lot of people with their pants down.

More than the general invasive nature of the Interception of Communication Bill, which allows authorised officers to tiptoe into your home, plant a listening device and tiptoe back out, why doesn’t our proposed law stipulate that such a warrant would only be issued if a person is suspected of committing or planning to commit a felony like the US law? Why is it mandatory to turn over information gleaned from spying to a defence attorney at least ten days before a trial in the US but that part was noticeably deleted from our Bill?

I could go on and on about the botched job Allyson in Wonderland has done on this Bill in the name of keeping us safe, but I won’t. Suffice it to say I don’t want the government in my house or smartphone “on slack”. Yes, I want the police to catch the criminals. No, you don’t need to snoop through my Instragam or emails to do it.

And catch those so-called white collar criminals the old-fashioned way - by raiding their offices and confiscating their files and computers. In the light of day. Where constitutional rights still exist.

This PLP government wants Bahamians to believe that they can be trusted with our most intimate information. Fat chance. This is the same group which has allegedly been spying on citizens through the National Intelligence Agency without proper oversight for years. The same group who, according to Edward Snowden and WikiLeaks, has allegedly allowed the United States to spy on us by listening to and recording every cellphone call we have made for years.

Maynard-Gibson is right to “wheel and come again”.

It was Benjamin Franklin who said, “Those who would sacrifice freedom for security deserves neither.” With record murder counts these past few years it’s safe to say security is practically out the window. At least leave me the freedom to privately browse the internet, talk in my home or on the phone and send my wife, er, “personal texts” in peace without worrying about which “public morality” law I’ll be accused of breaking based on a spy’s fishing expedition.

Pots and kettles

Before I get into this, let’s get something absolutely clear; in no way, shape or form am I defending Dr Andre Rollins.

Get it? Got it? Good! Now let me proceed.

From my vantage point, sitting squarely on the fence, once again I am astounded by the hypocrisy in our democracy.

Marathon MP and Minister of Education Science and Technology, Jerome Fitzgerald, is shooting off at the mouth again. This time he’s got Fort Charlotte MP Rollins in his crosshairs.

After Rollins’ “vomit” announcement that he is unwilling but nevertheless prepared to make things right with the Free National Movement and ensure a general election win over the governing PLP, Fitzgerald came out guns blazing, claiming Rollins’ remarks was further proof the Fort Charlotte MP was nothing more than a “political prostitute”.

Mr Fitzgerald reiterated that Dr Rollins has done a great job distinguishing himself as a “political prostitute extraordinaire”, one that is sure to go down in the annals of history as “someone who jumped from pillar to post” to no avail.

Say what? Are there no mirrors in the Fitzgerald residence? Which role is Fitzgerald playing, the “pot” or the “kettle”?

Again sitting objectively on the fence, I can’t help but wonder if Fitzgerald suffers from temporary amnesia.

It’s obvious Fitzgerald possesses a selective memory, considering his past antics, that have placed him side-by-side, street walking on the “political strip”, cursing the “red light” district of politics, with Dr Rollins, in the world of “political prostitution”.

In all actuality, Rollins and Fitzgerald can both be considered “political prostitutes”, but consider the work Fitzgerald put in on the following:

1 The infamous “Nolle”.

2 Dumpster diving into “political garbage cans”.

3 Alleged blatant “cronyism” in regards to a certain (Fitzgerald) “campaign general”.

4 His defence of Adelaide MP and Junior Minister of Finance, Michael Halkitis’ recent rambling, erroneous, statements regarding the location and usages of the VAT money.

5 Blindly following our current Prime Minister, the right honourable Perry G Christie, and catering to all of the PM’s idiosyncrasies.

With such an extensive body of work, Mr Fitzgerald is clearly the “Xaviera Hollander” on the local political scene. In fact Ms Hollander’s memoir, “The Happy Hooker”, was an international phenomenon.

In my opinion, Fitzgerald is in a totally different pay grade than that of Dr Rollins, and more in set with Hollander, seemingly glad and willing to perform his tasks as dictated by his “political pimps”.

So I strongly suggest that Mr Fitzgerald cease and desist from taking “hypocritical” potshots at Dr Rollins - and any other politicos in the country for that matter - and get to dealing with violence in the public schools, not to mention the lingering national “D” average academically.

I will leave you with a great quote from fellow comedian Tina Faye in regard to the above: “Politics and prostitution are the only jobs wherein experience is considered a virtue”.

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net