The Tribune

By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

Today’s column was supposed to take a totally different tone this week.

However due to yesterday’s events, today’s column has a whole new perspective.

So no jabs at our “creaky” yet still “shuffling” PM!

The “majority” not being the “majority” amongst FNMs in Exuma, (Allegedly).

Or crime, supposedly being down by 26%, despite 13 murders on the books for the year so far.

Instead, sadly I must address the events that transpired yesterday around New Providence, appallingly, even in our schools!

Yes, our school yards have turned into “urban war zones” for our out of control, often times, gang affiliated, youth in angst.

Yesterday’s outbreak by certain students at the Government High School, (three injured, all hospitalized in serious, or critical condition) is eerily reminiscent of last year’s tragic events at Doris Johnson Senior high school, which cost a student his life.

Senseless, heinous killings are the order of the day.

Seriously?

Really, have we become so desensitised by violent events like these in our everyday society, that they become part of the “norm”?

Now as easy as it is, we, “we” meaning, us, each one of us God-fearing Bahamians with some sort of conscience left, that has sat idly by doing nothing, while our nation sinks into oblivion, it’s time for us to take our nation back.

To coin a phrase, “It’s time to make The Bahamas great again”.

Now before you go pointing your fingers at the Government, RBPF, teachers, society, social media even, and the list goes on and on....yes the aforementioned branches of society, are to be held accountable for their failings and their overall part of the problem, deservedly so. But we as parents need to own up to our own failings as well, and the role we’ve played in the dysfunction of our children.

A major part of the problem, is that we as parents stopped “cuttin our kids dem boungies”.

What happened?

Parents from all across the land took a “timeout” from life, all while putting their kids in “time out”. (Totally useless exercise in my opinion).

There’s nothing wrong with a little dose of tough love, and the creative, innovative lengths our parents went to, to discipline us.

Taking nothing away from the gravity of yesterday’s events, here are 4 “old school” parenting methods that need to be brought back into circulation, and applied on today’s society.

It maybe the only way to save the Millennials from themselves. They were used on my generation, and look how well we turned out.

1. The Phantom Pinch

This technique is highly effective.

Best applied when your kid is being rude, and you see them, but they think you didn’t. As they continue to tune you out, hit them with a firm “pinch” and watch the dancing begin.

It also instils in your rude ass child, that you are always watching, you see everything.

1. Paging Sheniqua
   

This is another effective manoeuvre, if your wayward, can’t stay home, always going out and getting into all types of un-Godly antics, with bad company child, (especially if it’s your daughter). No need to get bent out of shape, all you have to do is tip the DJ to page your “missing” child, after the DJ calls out your child after stopping the music, is all that’s needed.

The chastisement from patrons angered by the cease in music, and the embarrassment from the whole episode alone, will force your child to stay at home for the foreseeable future.

And even if they do try it again, they will never be allowed entry into the club again, as they have been branded as “dat gal who mudda does mash up the party.”

1. Man at Night Man at Day

This method is designed for the young man in your life that likes to stay out all night in the clubs or on the blocks, getting into all kind of unsavoury activities, drinking, smoking, chasing the ladies, etc, etc.

Simply wait for them to return, (normally like Vampires right before sunrise) let them get comfy in their bed for 20 minutes, and just as they get into a nice deep sleep, turn on all the lights, music full blast and with the cooking spoon and sauce pan of your choice, start your percussion solo right in their ear!

As they spring up “shocked and awed” remind them if they are a man at night they need to be a man by day, and that’s when you hand them the chore list and remind them it needs to be completed immediately, and their bed is off limits, as well as pocket money, going out, usage of the car and so on and so on, until every task is complete.

Boys are stubborn so it will take a few times, however by the fourth or fifth cycle you will start to see them return home earlier and party less frequently.

If your child tries to get “slick” by sleeping at a friend‘s house, inform said friends’ parents of the Sauce pan method and everything will work itself out.

You will see more responsible partying from your child, earlier nights and productive earlier days. Nothing is more of a ‘buzzkill’ than that sauce pan melody ripping through your raging hangover!!

It gets old really fast.

1. Pick ya Switch

Okay maybe there aren’t enough tamarind trees readily available these days, but the jist of it is, when all else fails, break out the belt, fly swatter, electrical cord, whale bone, you see where I’m going with this. One item that is synonymous with the “smackdown”.

Once you tell your child to retrieve your “rod of correction” they know their fate is sealed and the consequences and subsequent discipline of ones actions is about to be dished out.

Don’t try and kill your child out of anger, that’s no excuse they will still send you to jail for it.

Instead remain focused on the target, the gluteus maximus, channel all of your energy to deliver a direct strike to the gluteus maximus.

A direct hit will send an electrically charged message up their spine, to the brain reminding your child not so subtly that they might not want to engage in the same type of idiotic actions moving forward.

It also reaffirms the age old parental message, “I brought you into this world, I will take you out,” once your child sees how no nonsense you can be, and how well you dole out discipline they will fear you more than any gang on the streets.

1. Home Team First

What I’m saying here is, as lightly and as delicately as possible.

We parents need to ensure discipline, social skills and self respect starts at home, setting the right example, once it’s established there, it will carry over into other areas.

We must show the youth the right way by our actions, and that playing the blame game doesn’t solve anything.

I will leave you with this from W.E. DuBois:

“Children learn more from who you are, than what you teach.”