The Tribune

By Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya

JUST when I thought our local political landscape couldn’t get any better, I mean it’s filled with alleged conspiracy, countless episodes of idiocy, unnecessary pomp and circumstance, VAT, crime, ‘numbers’ and ‘looms’ and the list.... (insert your issue here) goes on and on.

Our government (the present administration and the opposition) provides enough drama to keep reality television, the WWE, and a certain Friday column in The Tribune, storylines flowing for years.

Material in abundance, a comedian’s dream, and now add the fact that Donald Trump is president of the United States to the equation!

Comedy manna, flowing from comedy heaven, further proof that God does have a sense of humour.

It would be quite easy to gorge myself on the “whole hog” with the myriad of political stories making headlines, both locally and in the US but why be a glutton with so many ‘comedic delicacies’ to enjoy?

Instead I’m going to enjoy the next four to five years “politically” like a full five course gourmet meal at Graycliff, complete with the perfect wine pairing, and a hand rolled “Cuban” to top it all off, and then in true Bahamian fashion, “tote” whatever’s left home, tin foil in my coat pocket. (Tinfoil in the coat pocket, the signature move of Hall of Fame “toter” Senator Rodney Moncur).

MONKEY SEE MONKEY DO!

One thing for sure, we do love our neighbours to the north, it’s obvious with our constant mimicking and imitating all things American.

My favourite being, the wretched attempt at an American accent my Bahamian brothers and sisters put on after two days of “beating Wal-Mart dead bad” while shopping in Miami.

I figured it would only be a matter of time before our local politicians started borrowing a few plays from President Trump and his cabinet. I never would have dreamed it would be this soon, but thanks to White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, and Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway, birthing “alternative facts’ (Everybody knows black guys have bigger inaugurations).

It only took 48 hours or so.

This has to be a world record for “culture vultures”.

Well since “alternative facts” are trending upwards, I’m announcing in today’s column, (and look for the full media gambit to follow next week) that I’m opening the first, and of course the best, “alternative facts” provider for all of our local politicos, regardless of party affiliation.

Bahamas, the Alternative Facts Institute will be open for business on Monday.

Like any good business, marketing is a major key, and product samples are vital to “hooking” the consumers.

Below are just a small sample of the alternative facts we provide, turning all of your ins into outs, ups into downs and loses in to wins.

ALTERNATIVE FACTS

1 AFI: Alternative Fact - Alfred Sears won the leadership of the PLP, capturing all of the votes, shutting out the incumbent, Perry Christie, sending him shuffling into retirement.

2 AFI: Alternative Fact - After winning the FNM leadership by a landslide vote- fair and square-Opposition Leader Mrs Loretta Butler Turner, announced that if successful at the polls, and she became the first woman prime minister of the Commonwealth of The Bahamas, would in her cabinet appointments, appoint Senator Rodney Moncur as minister of social services.

3 AFI: Alternative Fact - FNM Leader Dr Hubert Minnis, due to his absolute command of the English language, his silky smooth delivery and (not to mention his quick wit) will be the official speech coach of US President Donald Trump, after being contacted by Trump’s “people”.

4 AFI: Alternative Fact - The national grade average is actually an A. Once you factor in (or out) the illegal test takers, Bahamian students lead in academic scholarships awarded to prestigious foreign universities in the US, Canada and Europe.

5 AFI: Alternative Fact - Tall Pines MP Leslie Miller, called for unity with We March organisers, and often encourages peaceful Gandhi like protests, with flowers and incense, and with everyone clad in white togas.

6 AFI: Alternative Fact - Bahamian Crown land is readily available for purchase, at affordable prices to Bahamians only. No Crown land can or will be sold to foreign entities.

However Crown land may be leased by foreign entities, once they are providing investment opportunities, and sustainable jobs for Bahamians.

This is in addition to adhering to all government regulations and policies, as well as paying all relevant taxes. Because the current government would never, ever sell Bahamians short.

7 AFI: Alternative Fact - We know where all the VAT money is, and exactly what it is being used for.

8 AFI: Alternative Fact - We have a Freedom of Information Act where all the pertinent information pertaining to government business and its affect on Bahamian society, is easily available for the masses.

9 AFI: Alternative Fact - At no time were the residents of Marathon ever in danger health wise. Their member of Parliament took great pains to protect them. In fact, Minister Jerome Fitzgerald personally taste-tested every glass of water before it reached his constituents.

10 AFI: Alternative Fact - The current PLP government created 32,000 jobs since coming to office in 2012. And right now our unemployment rate is 120 per cent. Period!

The beautiful thing about

alternative facts is that they don’t even have to jibe with other alternative facts. That’s why statements such as “Prime Minister Christie will not lose the next election,” and “the Free National Movement will win the most constituencies” and “the Democratic National Alliance will win the next election” are all logical alternative facts.

Until next week I’m off to prep for my own alternative facts.

1 I’ve got to get all the Super Bowl tailgate libations and eats together early. I can’t be caught running around on Super Bowl Sunday. I don’t want to miss one minute of the five-hour pre-game coverage. It’s going to be laden with stories and highlights, of my Dallas Cowboys getting ready for their 9th Super Bowl game against the vile, underhanded New England Patriots and the most underrated QB in NFL history Tom Brady, also prepping for their 9th Super Bowl.

Brady is truly the best ever; I tip my hat to him.

Nonetheless I like Dak and Zeke along with Dez big in this one.

2 (Monday after the Super Bowl.) The Dallas Cowboys won their 6th Super Bowl title with a blowout win over Patriots!

• Inigo ‘Naughty’ Zenicazelaya is the resident stand-up comic at Jokers Wild Comedy Club at the Atlantis, Paradise Island, resort and presents ‘Mischief and Mayhem in da AM’ from 6am to 10am, Monday to Friday, and ‘The Press Box’ sports talk show on Sunday from 10am to 1pm on KISS FM 96.1. He also writes a sports column in The Tribune on Tuesday. Comments and questions to naughty@tribunemedia.net