The Tribune

By Michelle Miller

Resilience matters. So much so that some readers asked for a little more clarity around the process of getting started. This part two is designed to motivate you to step into building your resilience.

Begin with the understanding that life is a process. Everything that grows changes and/or evolves must endure a process. This includes us as human beings. Like it or not, there is a process and it must be respected. Building your resilience is no exception. It, too, is a process and it demands your full attention.

Let’s clarify the meaning of resilience. Authors Mary Karapetian Alvord and Judy Johnson Grados broadly define it as “those skills, attributes and abilities that enable individuals to adapt to hardships, difficulties, and challenges”.

In many instances a resilient individual is seen as one who has strong coping skills; finding resourceful ways to manage their lives even in the face of adversity.

The question is, how do you acquire such skills? Well, life happens now. And at any moment you could find yourself face to face with some incredible challenge. It is in those moments that you must take a position. There is the choice to either become overwhelmed or to find the fortitude to stand your ground.

The decision you make depends on not only what you have been through, but even more so, what you have learned from what you been through. This is why our life experiences have incredible value. There is no point in going through ‘hell’ as it were only to come out on the other side with nothing learned.

No, resilience is not something you can buy or borrow. It must be built brick by brick. Much of the essence of our resilience begins in our early development. The dynamics of how we are raised lays those initial building blocks. From the way we fall down and get up, to the way we interact socially, these are all core components of our early resilience development.

This is where our parentage, home and school environments have the strongest influence on our ‘bounce back’ ability. On the one hand, some parents’ over-protectiveness, while well intended, inadvertently hinders their children from building resilience. Then on the other hand, some children are left so unprotected that they are forced to grow up themselves.

While neither of these extremes are best option, there is incredible value in allowing children to learn how to fall down and get up for themselves. Learning how to recover from those early falls gives us buoyancy when facing life’s challenges later on.

Observing my own journey through my early years, my mother was the most resilient person I know. She faced her early life challenges head on. Somehow, she never seemed afraid; raising seven children as a single parent, always finding a way to figure things out and make things work. As her eldest child, I was the beneficiary of much of her modelling her resilience.

And notwithstanding the enormity of my early challenges, those early lessons gave me incredible ‘bounce back’ ability. Like my mother, I too began to master the art of figuring things out. Taking responsibility, trusting myself and bravely facing my fears were some powerful life lessons learned.

Perhaps you haven’t had opportunity to face any early challenges. Thus, your resilience-building process may involve some other dynamics. Be willing to start where you are. You cannot fix what you are unwilling to face. For this reason, I believe that the step one is about taking personal responsibility for yourself, your life.

No matter what happened or is happening, by taking responsibility you empower yourself to better deal with it. This doesn’t mean you won’t go through unpleasant emotions or that things will just immediately improve. It means that you can develop a better way of dealing with things. By accepting personal responsibility you stand in a more powerful position than that of blaming. You become less quick to react and more prone to respond with some forethought. The calmer you are, the more likely you can find solutions and the less stress you endure.

Also recognise that building resilience is not a-one-size-fits-all process. We are each wired a certain way. Our individual sense of resilience therefore depends on a number of internal and external factors. Ultimately, what’s most important here is for you to ignite the process by assessing your coping mechanism.

Leader to leader, step into step one by taking responsibility for how you are dealing with stuff. We often can’t control what happens, but we can control how we respond. This is what bolsters resilience and cements your sense of confidence to more readily rebound from disappointments.

If you are willing to step into step one, you are more likely to take step two. It takes resilience and a strong sense of self to live an empowered life. Yes, you can do it!

What do you think? Please send your comments to coaching242@yahoo.com or 429-6770.

• Michelle M Miller is a certified life coach, communication and leadership expert. Visit www.talktomichellemiller.com or call 1-888-620-7894; mail can be sent to PO Box CB-13060.