The Tribune

By ROCHELLE DEAN

It’s the great taboo subject - violence in the home. Throughout The Bahamas, behind many locked doors men and women are living in relationships dominated by abuse, whether it be physical, verbal or mental.

For many of us we pretend it’s not people like us who live in this nightmare world, it’s the “others” - people of a different class who know no better.

Truth is domestic violence effects all levels of our society. And where does it begin.

Sadly the terrifying statistic today is one in three of our teenagers are experiencing a relationship where they suffer some form of abuse. To make matters worse many girls - and boys - are conditioned to accept it. They see it in their own homes, where say a father abuses the mother and when it comes to their own fledgling relationships they act in the same way. We see our teenagers accept the idea that being beaten, cheated on and even yelled at constantly is simply a part of the relationship experience or the culture that we live in.

I’ve seen it first hand myself. Girls will verbally abuse boys and even resort to physical violence. In today’s hi-tech world teenagers have become savvier - cyber abuse is the order of the day where many teens are now engaged in posting comments and pictures on social media that are meant to be a form of humiliation.

Someone posting derogatory comments about you is abuse, sharing personal information that you trusted them with is abuse. A boyfriend threatening to expose your private pictures is abuse. These are all signs of the times and how relationships for young people can be out of control.

But what do we expect when our adults are doing the same thing?

Stalking someone or demanding to know where and who they are with at all times is abuse. Imposing limits or telling someone who they can and cannot be friends with is abuse.

Teenagers must thrive in an atmosphere of trust and in doing that they are given freedom to make decisions. As adults, we have not relinquished that freedom to them because many of us are not free ourselves. We live in that abuse house, silently suffering the hand we’ve been dealt with, often never revealing to friends or family how our life has turned out.

When we have children they accept this is just the way it is and the cycle repeats itself.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Teenagers experiencing their first relationship are trying to grow, find trust, stand on their own two feet and make their own decisions. They will make mistakes but they should be able to do this without raising a hand or their voice.

I had a boyfriend throughout my entire senior years of high school and we certainly did not have an abusive relationship. It was filled with moments of joy as we studied together, did homework together, had Sunday dinner with our parents and also worked on our future career goals together. We planned prom together, all those things that a teenager should do in a relationship.

And of course it ran it’s course. It’s what first relationships are about - learning and sharing and respecting your partner so that when you move on in life you have all the tools necessary for that day when you find “The One”.

My story though isn’t today’s reality for that third of our youngsters.

Abuse isn’t excusable. There is no logical explanation for anyone to physically, verbally or sexually harm someone but it’s happening.

They are exposed to conditions that some of us deem normal - we breathe a culture of low self-esteem where teenagers see the behaviour as normal and acceptable.

We recycle a society of dysfunctional human beings who will perfect the abusive behaviour and even become experts at it.

In order to end the abusive culture, we must foster better relationships with each other by respecting one another and this can start by implementing respect classes in school.

Churches must also play a bigger role in developing self-esteem in individuals by teaching the importance of forgiveness of others but more importantly forgiveness of self. This helps with our self-development and allows people who may not have fully developed in this area of their lives to fully equip themselves with the tools needed to have healthy successful relationships free from abuse.

We must also implement practical mentor programs that give young people a real sense of what life is about. We must have mentors who can speak on issues that teens are experiencing and have a keen sense of the effects of issues like abuse and how teenagers can overcome them.

If we don’t try, nothing will change.