The Tribune

By Rev Angela C Bosfield Palacious

As we consider the celebration of Father’s Day, we may have wonderful memories of a loving father. My own was very good to me: providing, caring, while attending all of my activities. He lived to the ripe old age of 94, and it was a blessing to have him live with us for the last six of them (after my mother died).

For others, this day is a painful one for a variety of reasons, and if this is the case either because of the absence of your father or his toxic presence, then it is time to ask God to give you the strength to move on to make peace with him where possible and appropriate.

There are other relationships situations that get us “stuck” emotionally, so that our futures are hindered by memories from the past. Now is as good a time as any to move on.

Self-healing from anger

Depending on our age and experiences, we may have accumulated an unhealthy amount of anger over the years. These are some approaches to help us find inner healing:

1. Admit the negative feelings that we have

2. Explore the depth of those feelings especially those that are buried

3. Decide that you want to recover

4. Read books to help you become better informed

5. Ask for prayers as you re-visit the past

6. Receive counselling to have a trained guide to journey with you

7. Share your feelings with trusted confidantes

8. Write letters to the persons without delivering them, and destroying afterwards

9. Write letters to the persons with the intention of delivering them

10. Confront the persons (if appropriate) with someone accompanying you

11. Learn to love yourself (enjoy hobbies, music the Arts, travel, socialising etc.)

12. “Get a life” and stop obsessing over what cannot be changed

13. Find joy and beauty in each day

14. Keep processing and prayerfully reflecting on your experience of inner healing.

Forgiveness

We all have persons who have wounded us deeply intentionally and unintentionally, who need to be forgiven. We also have to include ourselves on that list, for continuing to fall short of the glory of God in many ways.

Here are some steps to take in the right direction:

1. Identify the person or group

2. Determine the real issue or issues

3. Explore your feelings in order to understand them

4. Decide to forgive as a part of self-liberation from the bondage of unforgiveness

5. Recognise that forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation, but it may

6. Receive counselling if you are not able to find inner peace after much prayer

7. Pray for ongoing freedom from constant recall once you have begun to move on

8. Avoid further abuse

Resolving conflict

1. Pray to be wise and harmless

2. Approach the person in a controlled setting

3. Ascertain the person’s willingness to discuss the matter at the time

4. Introduce and stay on the topic

5. Remain calm with no shouting

6. Listen to what the person has to say

7. Wait for the person to make the point and reflect on it before answering

8. Ask for more information as needed

9. Explain your initial position and reaction, or indicate your confusion and seek clarity

10. Explain what your intention or meaning was if you caused the confusion

11. Compromise if possible

12. Indicate the conclusion to which you have now come

13. Apologise when you are ready

14. Accept the other person’s apology (if offered)

15. Choose to forgive anyway for your own sake, as unforgiveness is self-poisoning

16. Determine how you wish the relationship to proceed and share your thoughts and feelings if appropriate, bearing in mind that you may be rejected

17. Leave the situation with the Lord and engage in self-healing.

Ponder Psalm 37: 7-8: “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.”