The Tribune

By INIGO 'NAUGHTY' ZENICAZELAYA

In the spirit of fair play a certain subject must be addressed.In past columns, I gave some insight to my younger Bahamian brethren as to what women really mean when they say certain things. If I do say so myself, it turned out to be right on the money, despite the raised eyebrows I received from my female co-workers and threats from my sisters-in-law to be shared out of Christmas dinner in two households.

Ouch!

Fast forward the tape to this past Wednesday.

I was standing in line at BPL trying to pay my gargantuan power bill before another load shed strikes, and in front of me were two women deep in conversation.

The television on the wall, which is usually on, was off, so the women’s conversation served as entertainment.

As I tuned in, I could gather the gist of the conversation.

One of the women was spinning a monologue about how her husband really understands her after all these years.

Random Woman: “Girl I feel so sorry for my sweetie. He so lost without football.

“The NFL season is still far far away. He tell me he so lost without football he decided to renovate the guest bathroom.

“Girl I been on him like white on rice for years to do that. He got a finish date too, end of May, beginning of June.

“That’s means in one month or so, I will have a new brand bathroom. He loves me.”

After laughing (quietly to myself), I sighed.

Ah, the naiveté.

Being a woman her natural instinct was to assume that this was some love offering from her loyal, devoted, loving husband.

NOT!

Her husband’s sudden morph into “Handy Manny” probably meant he was really thinking: “I can’t wait ‘til the NFL season officially kicks off .

“I’m cautiously optimistic that enough everyday necessities will be able to pull me off the ‘project’ and serve as a viable excuse for any delays caused.

“If this is the case I will renovate the guest bathroom, but I will stretch the project until the end of August. So this woman will have nothing to nag me about during football season.

“The one month ‘or so’ time frame, will keep me focused and save me from having to watch the Oprah Network or another Lifetime original movie, because if I have to stomach another one, I’ll take my chances jumping off the bridge.

“So when the season starts she better remember this gift and don’t ask me to do nothing non-football related until after the Super Bowl.”

Right there and then, in BPL, the light bulb went on in my head.

I had to think quickly, after all I was in BPL, and lights cost money.

So I decided on this topic for this column.

After all, what is good for the goose is also good for the gander, therefore, with apologies to the Mandom, ladies here is what men really mean:

He Says: I’m going fishing!

He Means: I’m going to get dead drunk sitting on my boy’s dinghy with a beer in one hand, fishing line in the next, as the fish swim by completely undisturbed.

He Says: It’s a guy thing!

He Means: There is no rational thought process connected to it. You will make nothing logical out of it.

He Says: Can I help with dinner?

He Means: Well muddoes! My food ain’t ready yet? I dead hungry! I knew I should have stopped at “KFC.”

He Says: My wife doesn’t understand me.

He Means: She’s sick of my BS.

He Says: Take a break honey. You’re working too hard.

He Means: Why you decided to clean and run that vacuum cleaner while the game is on, is beyond me.

He Says: I‘ve read the classics.

He Means: I’ve been looking at Playboy since I was five.

He Says: I got a lot done today.

He Means: I won three bracelets today and $45m, playing World Series Of Poker, on my iPhone.

And finally,

He Says: That’s interesting, dear.

He Means: Are you still talking?

Well there you go, I hope it makes decoding what your man says a little more fun in the future.

I, on the other hand, have to go. My wife calls …and I was just off to my “man cave” to relax and read a “classic!”