The Tribune

By INIGO 'NAUGHTY' ZENICAZELAYA

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that I probably watch way too much so-called “Reality” television. I have no good excuse for this except to submit to the court that such programming is practically unavoidable.

I counted, and if you subtract the cutthroat survival competitions, cutthroat singing competitions, dance shows, food shows, weight loss shows, weight gain shows, housewives, ex-housewives, soon-to-be housewives, dating shows, break-up shows, hidden-camera, hidden-treasure, hidden boss, rehab, renovation, second chance, having a baby, talk shows and game shows there are probably two shows left on TV; and both are airing reruns.

So I blame the networks for my lack of viewing pleasure, and I am not alone.

Millions of people tune in to watch these train wrecks every week, and just like everything else in life there is the Good (Deadliest Catch, The First 48), the Bad (Real Housewives of Anywhere) and the Ugly (ANYTHING with Tyra Banks).

Nevertheless, my problem with Reality television is not about how badly some of these non-SAG actors play their parts but rather with how far from reality these shows have actually strayed.

One of the most successful and longest running shows in the genre happens to be one of my favourites; Cops.

Remember when you heard the melodic sounds of Inner Circle as they began, “Bad boys…bad boys…whatcha gonna do?”

I knew exactly what I was going to do…get my popcorn ready! (Sorry but there are few things more entertaining than watching a 150lb junkie being chased by a 350lb police officer; now that’s must-see TV!)

Even though Cops is still on the air, it is lost in a host of rip-off reality shows the main one being Live PD, which, at first glance, looked legitimate but is decidedly littered with fake con artists and convicts.

(Honestly, what kind of world are we living in where even the criminals on TV can’t be trusted?)

Realising that real life is decidedly different from the way it is portrayed on many of these shows, I decided to examine (and prove) just how unreal Reality television is and was, seeing how You Tube, Netflix and various cable channels continuously have these programmes airing current episodes or in re-runs.

Exhibit 1: Bridezilla. This show (a favourite of women everywhere) is based on the premise that, for no good reason, brides-to-be turn into living breathing dragons that will spit fire on any and all who get in the way of their idea of a perfect wedding.

I have seen bridesmaids cry, fights with in-laws, temper tantrums thrown and threats made but I have yet to see a groom-to-be abscond. Seriously, until that happens, I refuse to believe that these men—after a sliver of a glimpse into their future—willingly fasten the old ball and chain without even attempting a jailbreak. Based on that, in my opinion, this show does not depict real life.

Exhibit 2: American Idol. Okay, so just about everyone on the planet has seen this show and loves this show and blah, blah, blah. If American Idol still had even a foothold in the real world wouldn’t we have seen a monumental breakdown by now? How come all the contestants are always so cherry and jubilant, singing and dancing their way to obscurity with big smiles on their faces as they are eliminated?

I’ll tell you why; because it’s not a real competition.

In real competitions, people hate to lose. Besides, if you can’t tell who the winner will be by week three you truly are special. In my humble opinion, American Idol is far from real life.

Based on these few but compelling examples I am firmly of the belief that even though they are popular and have desecrated the television landscape as we once knew it, Reality shows have almost no basis in reality.

Sure, they have spawned spinoff after spinoff, a few memorable catchphrases and no doubt generated millions of dollars in revenue while costing next to nothing to produce (see Hoarders), but what of old fashioned scripted television?

There is something to be said for classic shows like The Brady Bunch, The Cosby Show (Before Bill Cosby did foolishness) and…um… Baywatch. (What? Don’t judge me…like you didn’t watch!)

Still, if turning over tables in a fit of rage or getting “wasted” en masse and thereby exposing your whole race to negative stereotypes or pretending you speak some secret language only dogs can understand sells advertisers’ products then I guess it will be a while before this farce called Reality television is dead and gone.

The jury (aka the viewers) will have to decide their fate.

Until then, if I am forced to watch “Fluffy” run through all nine of her lives because her owner refuses to throw away trash and somehow doesn’t realize there are a thousand other Fluffies living in that same house dodging piles of garbage (and contributing to it) I won’t like it.

That, my friend, will be a true catastrophe.

But if it comes down to watching insipid shows such as the Kardashian’s then please …cue the crackhead and the fat cop.

Otherwise, shoot me!!