The Tribune

By INIGO 'NAUGHTY' ZENICAZELAYA

EVERY neighbourhood, food Store and mall parking lot has them. Fish Fry and Potters Cay Dock may be the factories from whence they came.

No, I’m not talking about rodents, stray dogs or cats.

Nor do I refer to garbage piles higher than the Water Tower.

Still no luck?

Okay, the answer is ‘BUMS’. Yes, Brothers Under Modification.

Now before you get all fired up, please let me state that I truly have compassion for those less fortunate and homeless, and I will be the first to join a good and charitable cause.

The pejorative “bum” had a distinct and defined meaning less than a decade ago, today not so much.

I’ve heard the word used in everyday settings and in corporate boardrooms, each time describing persons as different in socio-economic backgrounds, education and lifestyle as east is from west.

These days being a “bum” does not necessarily imply poverty, homelessness or substance addiction.

In all cases, however, there is an implication of wanting something for doing absolutely nothing, except for asking.

Indeed, many food store parking lots and corners with traffic lights and stop signs are where certain individuals in our society enter our conscious space and inspire split-second decisions of whether to give or not to give.

Some of these characters have become immortal fixtures in Bahamian society as much as they are fixtures in our days. These are the ones I reminisce about, the ‘BUMS’ of old, who were around when I was grinding up.

“Bums” who entertained on multiple levels, both young and old.

There was “American Bob,” who spoke in a perfect Southern American drawl even though he hailed from West Street.

“American Bob’s well told stories (meant to cajole hands to wallets) were always impeccable and we all knew where it was going to end up, with him asking for some loose change.

The rollercoaster ride that was his story—rife with exaggerations, one liners, truth and cow manure—were worth the spare change you would send his way on entertainment value alone.

If one takes “bravado” into account then the great “Raker” was a major player in the game, and his place in the “BUM” hall of Fame is reserved.

“Raker’s” open consumption of Bacardi 151 (meant to mystify, and cajole hands to wallets) was legendary; straight from the bottle with no chaser.

This was only topped by “Raker’s” closing act, which was to extinguish an El Cuno cigar on his forearm while recounting his days as one of the winningest jockeys in Florida Horse racing history (true fact) for coins.

“Maggie Jason” was a slick basketball player that thought he could juggle sports, women, and vices. He was wrong, but even during the lowest point in his life that crossover dribble of his was a killer, and for a couple of dollar bills “Maggie Jason” would snatch quarters off the top of the backboard with his out-of-this-world vertical leap, thank his sponsors and vanish into thin air.

Only to reappear later with a shopping cart full of coconuts that he would shuck with his teeth.

Like today’s NBA, when compared to the Magic, Bird, and Jordan eras doesn’t seem to quite measure up, today’s “BUMS” can’t measure up to their counterparts from the past either.

They have let the ‘trade” of “bumming” go down immensely.

They lack entertainment value, while their sales pitches lack imagination and strategy.

A prime example of this is “Boogie Down”.

“Boogie” has been knocking around the hood in what he describes as a “lazy period” for himself for the last twenty years.

Gone is the “Boogie” shuffle which he made popular in front of the old Zoo Night Club every Sunday night as patrons invaded the parking lot lining up to get in. “Boogie” was like the Bahamian Gregory Hines--impressive.

Today, he is a shell of his former self, going straight to the point, no more shuffle, no more jokes.

A direct “Can I borrow a slow three or five?”

(FYI “Boogie” in these tough times, plus add 12%, there is nothing slow about three or five dollars).

On top of that he has been unemployed for the same said twenty year period he’s been hanging on the blocks.

It’s not just “Boogie,” it’s also the legion of “BUMS” that invade Bay Street or the foot of the PI bridge, on a regular with their “gimmie dollar” routine.

I think these “BUMS” are hanging their baskets a little too high asking for “dollars”. They need direction.

(No they don’t need to Unionise).

They also need a business plan, and I have just the one for them.

(Trust me, I watch SharkTank religiously, I’ve got the perfect plan).

In fact, I’ve gotten it copy written and registered.

So, I shall share it with you all.

All practising “BUMS” should ask for a quarter, every time they approach some random stranger for a loan.

If you open with anywhere between one and five dollars you have priced yourself out immediately.

Persons who are approached have those amounts (between $1 and $5) predetermined as to where they are going; ninety-nine cent breakfast, the dailies, the numbers that danced through their head while they slept, or they have their own vices which they need to fund.

Asking one person for $3 is excessive, ask that same person for a quarter it’s yours.

Now do the math, if a “BUM” asks 20 people for the day for a quarter and collects that’s $5.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, anything worth doing, is worth doing well.

Like your predecessors, if it means throwing in a dance or performing a feat of strength or agility to impress your potential Change Provider by all means do it.

This may turn the quarter you asked for into a dollar.

One thing is certain, in these economic times everyone should expect to have to make an effort to earn their keep.

Indeed, this global economy has even separated the bums from the BUMS.

By the way, if you are enjoying this article might I ask…um..do you have a slow five?