The Tribune

By INIGO 'NAUGHTY' ZENICAZELAYA

PENDING ‘FOOTBALL WIDOWS’ TAKE NOTE:

Yesterday, I was standing on line at BPL trying to pay my power bill before another ‘load shedding’ exercise takes place.

In front of me were two women deep in conversation, the television on the wall which is usually on was off, so the women’s conversation in front of me would have to serve as entertainment.

As I tuned in I could hear the gist of the conversation. One of the women was monologuing about how her husband really understands her after all these years.

RANDOM WOMAN:

“Girl I feel so sorry for my sweetie”.

“He so lost without real football games.

The NFL still “practising games”.

(Major laughs on my part at this juncture).

“He tell me he so hate dem practice game before the season start, he decided to renovate the guest bathroom.”

“Girl I been on him like white on rice for years to do that. He got a finish date too, August 24th.

That means in three and a half weeks I will have a new brand bathroom. He loves me.”

(More laughs from me at this point.)

Ah the naiveté!

Being a woman her natural instinct was to assume that this was some love offering from her loyal, devoted, loving husband.

NOT!

LOST IN TRANSLATION:

Poor lady was clueless, missed her husband’s plea entirely.

Since I’m fluent in several languages and dialects, including ‘Native Bahamian’ ‘Jungaliss’ ‘Spanglish ‘Man code’ and ‘Footballese.’

I knew exactly what her husband was saying:

“I can’t wait ‘til the NFL Preseason is officially over.

My team ga be carrying on this year.

So since the vibes done set, I will renovate the guest bathroom so you will have nothing to nag me about and run on with during football season.

The three week time frame will keep me focused and save me from having to watch the Real Housewives from wherever or another Lifetime original movie, because if I have to stomach another one, I’ll take my chances drinking ‘flit’ (cockroach repellent for you millennials.)

So when the season starts remember this gift and don’t ask me to do anything non football related until after the Super Bowl.”

Right there and then, in BPL the light bulb went on in my head.

I had to think quick, after all I was in BPL a ‘blackout’ could strike at any moment.

With no disrespect to the ‘mandom’ I think I need to enlighten some of the ladies out there.

Especially the younger ones, who could potentially get hot under the collar and ruin a whole football weekend for their man, because she’s not fluent in ‘Footballese’ and what her man said, was sadly lost in translation.

Here’s a few translation tips, so you ladies, soon to be ‘“football widows” actually know what your man is saying in ‘Footballese’ and more importantly what he actually means.

HE SAYS : I’m going to watch football!

HE MEANS:

I ‘m going to get dead drunk sitting in my boy’s house, or in my favorite sports bar, with my homies.

Ice cold beer in one hand, chicken wing in the next, (as I try to line up a wing, I’ve been gnawing on for an hour with the last of the ranch dressing).

HE SAYS: It’s a guy thing!

HE MEANS:

Women will never understand it. There is no rational thought process connected to it.

You will make nothing logical out of it.

But instinctively you will try to stop it, because women hate seeing men having a good time without them.

HE SAYS: Can I help with dinner?

HE MEANS:

Well muddoes my food ain’t ready yet?

I dead hungry, I should have stopped @ “KFC. Dis ga be long, and gas ga kill me.”

HE SAYS: “My wife doesn’t understand me.”

HE MEANS:

“She’s sick of me watching football and drinking beer, all day Saturday, Sunday, Monday night and Thursday night.

HE SAYS: “Take a break honey.

You’re working too hard.”

HE MEANS:

“Why you decide to clean and run that loud clanky vacuum cleaner while the game on? I hope there are some sickening girl movies on Netflix or Lifetime, to occupy your time, at least until halftime of the 4pm games.”

HE SAYS: “We’re going to be late.”

HE MEANS:

“Buckle up, now I have a reason to drive like a jackass.

The game is about to kick off in three minutes, we are seven minutes away, and I need to get to my lucky seat at the sports bar.”

HE SAYS: “I’ve read all the classics.”

HE MEANS:

“I’ve been looking at Playboy and Sports Illustrated (never missed a swimsuit issue) since I was five.”

HE SAYS: “I got a lot done!”

HE MEANS:

“All eight of my fantasy football teams won, I won the office weekly pick ‘em pool and my team won today.”

And finally if HE SAYS : “That’s interesting dear.”

HE MEANS:

“Are you still talking? Monday Night Football is about to start, I have no interest in potential new drapes and their color patterns for our bedroom.”

Well there you go ladies, hopefully you all a have better understanding of ‘Footballese”, so it makes decoding what your man says a little more fun and less stressful in the future.

I on the other hand have to go!

My wife calls, I wonder what I have to do now, she’s a veteran ‘NFL Widow’ who’s fluent in ‘Footballese’ so I can’t swing ... um run on, with her!

I can never seem to catch a break, it’s so unfair. I was just off to the den to relax and read a “classic.”

Now Jack shows us how to deal with marijuana

AS our National Commission on the legalisation and decriminalisation of marijuana continues to operate at a snail’s pace, the world continues to operate at break neck speed.

(Obviously other nations got the memo in regards to this billion dollar global industry).

Now in Tallahassee, the capital of Florida, marijuana possession cases will no longer be prosecuted in Tallahassee, and the surrounding areas.

Jack Campbell, the State Attorney for Florida’s 2nd Judicial Circuit, informed law enforcement agencies that the difficulty in easily differentiating hemp and marijuana led to the decision.

The action was taken in response to the legalisation of hemp in Florida earlier this year and at the federal level with the passage of the 2018 Farm Bill.

SPITTING IMAGE :

Campbell also reminded the local media,

“Hemp products look and smell exactly like marijuana products.”

“And while they may seem to be made from marijuana based on their smell or appearance, there isn’t a way to tell without sophisticated laboratory analysis.”

Campbell, whose biggest concern was wrongful arrests, said that his office would no longer prosecute marijuana possession cases due to the difficulty of differentiation, regarding illegal marijuana and illegal hemp.

“Until such time, that a scientifically proven test, that can be introduced into evidence, that can distinguish illegal marijuana from legal hemp, is available, we will no longer prosecute marijuana possession cases.”

NOT BY SMELL ALONE :

Additionally, Campbell also informed all police departments and sheriff’s departments in the 2nd Judicial Circuit that his office would no longer authorise search warrants based on field tests for THC, the smell of marijuana, or an alert from drug-detecting dogs.

“Much of the search and seizure law hinges on either the officer’s or K-9’s ability to smell. This seems to now be in significant doubt.”

Considering the prevalence and popularity of both, Indian Hemp and Sinsemilla (Marijuana strain) in the Bahamas. Tallahassee’s approach and plan, offers several viable options for us to examine and potentially implement in our national plan, for an effective, a successful legalisation and decriminalisation process.