The Tribune

By INIGO 'NAUGHTY' ZENICAZELAYA

IT’S a new year, 2020, and everyone’s slate is clean. Save for the often unattainable, well-intended ‘New Year’s Resolutions’.

Actually, a New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. I was going to quit drinking for the new year, but then I remembered no one likes a quitter.

So instead, one of my new year’s resolutions is to be more optimistic, by keeping my cup half-full with Jack Daniels!

People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow. Despite all the New Year’s resolutions.

Another one of my New Year’s resolutions is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions, instead of focusing on their own. 

Which leads me to another of my resolutions for the new year, which is to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.

I announced another of my resolutions, to stop smoking, on New Year’s Eve.

In the New Year, I asked a friend for a cigarette.

He said: “I just heard you make a New Years resolution to quit smoking.”

I replied: “I am in da process of quitting right now, I am in da middle of phase one.”

He asked: “What’s phase one?”

To which I had to simply explain, “I’ve quit buying.”

And I don’t want New Year’s resolutions to affect me the way it did the Irishman who thought about giving up eating well and drinking the best brands in the New Year?

He gave up thinking.

Anyway I don’t know why I’m on about New Year’s resolutions, because my wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.

Remember you can reset your resolutions if you stumbled on January 14 (Orthodox New Year) and January 25 (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can’t help you.

In closing, there have been many times in 2019, when I have annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you... today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2020!

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

Truly I have only one New Year’s resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs.

May I have all I need and want all I have.

Happy New Year everyone!