The Tribune

By INIGO ‘NAUGHTY’ ZENICAZELAYA

THIS coming May 10th, Lord spare my life, will be my 22nd year as ‘House Comic’ at the Jokers Wild Comedy Club, and as a professional stand up comedian, both locally and internationally. To God be the glory.

Sadly, I, like so many of my fellow stand up comedians, (people who I consider brothers and sisters, in the stand up comedy fraternity) have no place to perform and earn a living.

Don’t get me wrong, the time with my family is priceless and I cherish every moment I spend with them during the quarantine, curfew and lockdown.

I’m finally getting to make up for nights spent performing at Jokers Wild over the past twenty-one years.

However, after five weeks of lockdown writing coronavirus material, and not being able to perform and work on it live on stage, has got me antsy, like a cat on a hot tin roof.

So before I do a live show on Zoom, I decided to give you my loyal readers a private show in this week’s column, and I’m quite sure based on some of your comments to some of my previous columns, you all will let me know, what to keep in my repertoire, and what to discard.

DISCLAIMER

Now before you read any further, please bear in mind the golden rule of comedy, which is -

“What makes you laugh, also makes you cry, and what makes you cry, also makes you laugh”.

It’s just comedy, don’t get your ‘undies’ in a bunch!

So jump on in and get your laugh on.

DOMESTIC

If Minnis causes me to be locked down with my wife and kids, for one more weekend, it wasn’t corona that killed me!

Dear Diary, day 13 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch today, apparently she is my wife. She seems nice.

How come the liquor stores don’t have empty shelves? Doesn’t the government understand that people will be quarantined with their spouses and kids?

HOARDING AND PANIC PURCHASING

To the people who bought all of the hand sanitizer and soap, leaving none on the shelves for others, you do realise that to stop getting Coronavirus, you need other people washing their hands too.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, now when I pee I clean the toilet.

Back in the day the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled “last call” at Waterloo.

Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn’t about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?

SCIENCE AND THE CHINA CONNECTION

Ah the irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.

Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long... it was made in China.

Chinese doctors have confirmed the name of the first person to contract coronavirus. His name is Ah-Chu.

The science community has figured out that the spread of Coronavirus is based solely on two things.

1. How dense the population is

2. How dense the population is

People with a cold - “I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible” People with coronavirus - “I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago.”

With all this talk of coronavirus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.

SOCIAL DISTANCING

The coronavirus has achieved what no female has every been able to achieve. It has cancelled sports, closed all bars and kept all guys at home!

Social distancing rule: If you can smell their fart, move further apart.

Thinking a mask is going to stop Covid-19 is the same as thinking that your underpants will protect everyone from a fart.

Before coronavirus, I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received from the staff in the last ten years.

Having trouble staying at home? Shave your eyebrows off.

LAUGH NOW CRY LATER

I know it’s tough to stay positive when coronavirus deaths continue en mass globally and entire nations go on lockdown.

However, no matter how hard it gets, there’s always a cold weapon known as a sense of humour.

So, even though it’s difficult to be positive during these difficult times, let’s try to keep a smile on our faces and a bit of laughter in the air.

After all, what other options do we have?