The Tribune

By INIGO 'NAUGHTY' ZENICAZELAYA

ONE of the most controversial stories in the country this week revolves around a little known (at the time) wedding with huge implications.

Why would any wedding ceremony in the time of corona (limited by decree to ten persons or less) garner national attention, you ask?

Well, because this wedding was outstanding.

This wedding was excessive. This wedding was a magnificent spectacle of rule-breaking and “clout chasing” voluntarily revealed on social media for all the country to see.

The soirée in question involved a communications officer at the Ministry of Health as groom.

It also involved the son of a prominent politician, and a former director at the Ministry of Youth, Sports, and Culture. Among many, many others.

After pictures of the non-social distanced, non-COVID protocol event appeared in this newspaper, the “culprits” and their guests had some explaining to do.

“How come dey ain’t get arrested like the Coconut Boy?” Bahamians asked.

“What ‘bout that poor man who got arrested for breaking curfew to pump water?” some wanted to know.

“How come dey so dumb to post pictures and videos on social media?” a few wondered, incredulously.

The last question, it turns out, is actually the easiest one to answer.

The biggest threat to the “feeling of fairness” in this country has always been (and still is) the existence of “friends, family, and lovers”. It’s an old Bahamian expression to describe the unbridled privileges of the well-connected.

The phrase appeared to reach its zenith in the heyday of the last Christie administration, but is forcefully staging a comeback under this Minnis administration.

You see, family, friends, and lovers – also known as the Haves – are having a tough time with this pandemic.

Not in terms of keeping the lights on, or the water running, or laying out fattening feasts while the Have-Nots stand in food lines or fight for $20 vouchers, of course – those things are trivial to the Haves.

Instead, the Haves have now come face-to-face with their true, mortal enemy. This enemy has swept in on the back of coronavirus protocols.

This enemy is called... “Rules for All”.

Rules for All says lockdowns, curfews and social distancing applies to everyone, no exceptions! But a world without exceptions is a foreign, dark, terrifying world to the Haves. And they are not having it!

What would be the point of being a Have whose

father is the top law enforcer in the country if you actually have to follow the law?

What’s the point of being a Have in the communications department in the ministry in charge of drafting COVID protocols if you have to listen to those pesky protocols?

Why on earth would a Have, who is also a (former) director in a government ministry, have to be subjected to directions himself?

Nothing about “regular rules” – much less Rules for All – is the Haves way, and the Haves have to make sure the Have-Nots remember that. Pandemic or not.

So, to drive the point home, the Haves have a wedding breaking all the “social-distance”rules. The Haves then film themselves gyrating, “balling, and having a good ole time. And naturally, (because they have to) the Haves put their photos, videos and other incriminating evidence online for all the world’s consumption and envy. After all, this is the proper Have way.

Unfortunately for the Haves, the Have-Nots are not having it this time. The curfews, lockdowns and various stress they are experiencing light a fire in the empty, growling bellies of Have-Nots who take that fire, light a torch and roll up to the gates of the Political Palace. So now the Have-Nots have a torch in one hand and Rules for All in the other, a unique position brought about only in an environment where everyday distractions have fallen away.

This turn of events is tricky for the Haves, born and bred on naked favouritism. To calm the cries of the Have-Nots, the police belatedly shlep into the Land of the Haves and issue citations. The son of the top law enforcer (featured prominently in most conversations about the wedding) puts out a glib “sorry, not sorry”’ statement and washes his hands of the whole affair. Ultimately, there’s only so much time in the day to devote to the rantings of Have-Nots when your real focus is strangling Rules for All.

In a nutshell, that is the “why” of why the Haves threw their fete. Brazenly.

The Haves exist to break “Have-Not” rules to show why they are “special”. How would Have-Nots know how much they don’t have if the Haves didn’t throw it in Have-Not’s faces?

And has anyone thought of a better place to do exactly that than social media?

As for the other questions about Coconut Boy and Curfew Water Pumper, who most likely have criminal records for their more reasonable infractions, I have to say I have absolutely no idea. Perhaps the Attorney General or the Competent Authority can answer those questions for you.

Do remember to carry a copy of the Rules for All with you when you go ask them.

I heard a (Free National Movement) torch might also come in handy too.