The Tribune

By INIGO ‘NAUGHTY’ ZENICAZELAYA

Valentine’s Day is upon us again, and since there are no love stories emanating from the HOA or across the political divide, I thought I’d share a few funny stories from my career as a professional stand up comedian.

Because we all know “Cupid”’ has a wicked sense of humour along with bad aim from time to time.

If you don’t laugh you surely will cry!

Nuts About Love

Once while on a comedy tour, I was driving through the southern United States, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and beer.

As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said.

So since this was my cue to look at the previous sign, I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood instantly and perfectly ... It read : “Local Honey Dates Nuts.” I agreed with her boyfriend and asked no more questions.

Dare To Be Daring

On another road trip my wife MJ and I got some shopping in, and after exiting a store that I endorse being trashed by angry Trump supporters, Bed Bath and Beyond, we ended up in a lingerie store, it wasn’t ‘Vicky Secrets’ but it would do after the torturous BBB ordeal.

The lingerie store was packed with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives, girlfriend and secretaries, whatever the case maybe.

While we waited to check out, a young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee.

My wife noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man’s sexier choice.

When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter.

“Would you have anything in black flannel like that?”

I take my oath to God in Heaven, as a comedian you can’t write it any funnier, no matter how hard you try.

Irresistible Irony

My fellow stand up comedian and one of the stars of Tiffany Haddish’s ‘They Ready’ stand up comedy series on Netflix, has a great story about her divorce and finding new love.

About a year had passed since her amicable divorce, and Barbara decided it was time to start dating again.

She dove head first into the personals column of the newspaper.

She came across three men who seemed like they had all the potential to steal her heart.

A couple of days later, she was checking her voice messages and discovered a message from her ex-husband -

“I was over visiting the kids yesterday. While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don’t bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won’t work out. He is me.’”

Cold!

Making the Grade

My high-school English teacher Ms Ibotson was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader.

One day I received a B minus on a theme paper.

In hopes of improving my grade and being into the Valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.”

The following day, I received in return a Valentine from the Ibotson.

It read: Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.’”

I have another word which comes to mind beginning with B every time I think of that story!

Love Is An Island

Interesting fact that some of you may have missed.

There is a tiny heart-shaped island in the Adriatic Sea that has become a holiday hit for Valentine’s Day after being discovered on Google Earth.

Even the uninhabited island’s owner didn’t realise how perfectly heart-shaped the island off the Croatian coast was until he was swamped with requests from lovers to stay there. ‘It has been incredible. We think it is the most perfect heart-shaped island in the world,’ said Vlado Juresko, whose family owns the 130,000 square yard islet of Galesnjak, hastily renamed “Lovers’ Island”.

Nobody lives there so if lovers really do want to spend time alone it’s the perfect desert island.

Stolen Love

St Valentine is not the saint of love according to Britain’s Roman Catholic Church.

Britain’s Catholic Diocese is advising lovelorn singles to direct their 14 February requests for love to St Raphael, rather than St Valentine. Over the years St Valentine has become incorrectly associated with finding love, the Church says.

He is the patron saint for those who have already found their soul mate.

St Raphael is the patron saint for happy encounters and it is to him those who are dreading Valentine’s should properly direct their prayers.

Enjoy your Valentines, may your love be an enduring, lasting, island never to be stolen.

Until next week Live, Love and Laugh!