The Tribune

ON Bahamian social media, there are a few topics that come up over and over again, always without resolution. On an endless loop, people on opposite sides argue their positions or, more accurately, argue against other positions. In these pseudo-conversations, some people actively participate by engaging others, some state their own opinions while others have side conversations on the topic at hand or one adjacent to it.

This kind of activity is a window, creating the opportunity to see how people think and understand why we are where we are today and what we need to do to move forward.

One of the recurring topics on Twitter is dating. People under 30 seem to never tire of this topic, repeatedly making the same points. Most people seem to agree Bahamians do not know how to date. They say it all moves too fast, not because the couple want it to, but because of the perceptions of people on the outside.

It is deemed inappropriate for a woman to go out with multiple people. If she is seen with one person on Friday and another person on Saturday, horrible names start to fly around. She has made no commitment to either person, aside from meeting them at a particular time for a specific activity, but being seen with them means something if only because it is misconstrued and judged by other people.

We do not have the opportunity to get to know people and explore options when we are pressured to limit ourselves to one person we do not know very well. Women have two options — ignore the noise and accept people will make up their own stories about us and generously share them with others, or give in to the pressure and limit the options by only seeing one person until that is no longer desirable.

For men, of course, it goes quite differently. This is largely due to the social construction of gender as well as the general understanding of a date. The latter is an unending argument all on its own and the positions people take are indicative of serious societal issues.

What is a date? Who gets to decide the terms of a date? Who should spend money and how much of it? What are the expectations of the people on the date?

The arguments about what is and is not a date usually come up in response to someone sharing an experience they enjoyed. Somehow, someone always brings ice cream into the conversation, specifically to make the point that ice cream is not expensive enough to be considered an appropriate purchase to make central to a date. “Ice cream is not a date!” This passionate statement comes from people who expect a full meal at a restaurant at a minimum. There is nothing wrong with this preference. The issue is that people with this preference assert that it is the standard. It is popular, yes, but it does not need to be the standard or the minimum. Some people are more comfortable with dates that are more casual, less expensive, and take less time.

Those who expect more (in terms of cost) tend to attack others for “lowering” the bar and “making it harder” for them. The assumption is a person who successfully takes someone out for ice cream as a date will later scoff at another person who would like to go for dinner. This becomes the fault of the woman who went on the ice cream date. People have different preferences and, of course, different levels of comfort, especially with people they barely know. It seems the most vocal people in these conversations prioritize getting as much as possible out of a single date in order to make it worth their while. It does not seem as though the pleasure of another person’s company or getting to know someone else is the main objective.

One of the issues these arguments about dating have raised is the transactional nature of our activities. There are people of all genders who believe they are owed something for going on dates. Some believe they are owed a free meal. Some believe they are owed sex. Some believe, even if they do not articulate it this way for themselves, that a date is an exchange of food for sex.

“Yes, I will pay for the surf and turf, but I expect something in return at the end of the night,” and “Yes, we can have sex, but they better feed me first,” are common positions. We may have our own value judgments and differing opinions on that approach, but it is not up to us to decide how or why other people date, just as it is not up to them to decide that we should all do it their way.

Dating, in a general sense, is about getting to know someone (or people). It is about spending time with them, having conversations, engaging in different activities, and seeing them in different settings and circumstances. It should be okay to date more than one person when there is no commitment to exclusivity. No number of dates should lead to the assumption that the people involved are seeing each other exclusively. That needs to be a conversation with a definitive agreed conclusion.

There is little conversation about going Dutch or splitting the bill. There is still the expectation the man or the masculine-presenting person pay the bill. In fact, this expectation is central to the main argument about what constitutes a date.

It is perplexing to see people who claim to support women’s rights commit themselves and try to commit other people to patriarchal, heteronormative beliefs and behaviours. It is not shocking that people will lean on the beliefs that benefit them in the moment, like letting the other person pay. Women may say, “I’m the prize. He wants to go out with me, so he needs to pay.” Men may say, “What about feminism? Don’t you want everything to be equal? Let’s split the bill.” These kinds of comments actually come up in the “What is dating?” social media debates. It is not that their desires are wrong, but that they use twisted interpretations of values and principles to validate them. We should be able to say what we want without commodifying women or trivializing feminism.

Dating in The Bahamas really does take on a different meaning than the one portrayed in the media. Here, people typically go on a few dates with one person before making it exclusive, sometimes without a clear verbal agreement. The people who do not do it this way are often cast in a negative light. Dating here comes with far too much additional pressure. Who is watching, what people might think, how are you affecting the “standards” other people set, and what will the other person expect of you as a result of the date and its cost are all ever-present questions.

Somehow, the way we date reinforces the idea that women are objects; that men can buy our time and attention as well as access to our bodies. Some men truly believe that a meal is a pre-payment for sex. Some women truly believe the dollar value of a date is indicative of the level of interest and seriousness of a man. Money, rather than the interaction, is being used to measure the quality of the date. We need to make a distinction between quantity and quality. We also need to be honest about reasons for dating. If you are dating for entertainment and passing time, that is quite different from dating to get to know people and possibly find a partner. It would, of course, be best to be upfront about motives so that we can match with people thinking along the same lines.

Women are not objects. Women are not to be bought. Everyone needs to understand this. It is not only important in the world of dating, but in the way the country regards women. The discussion on dating has, at its core, gender ideology rooted in patriarchy and misogyny. It can easily be used to blame women who experience sexual violence, especially by people known to them. It can also be used to make false distinctions between women based on the preferences, conflating those preferences with their self-worth.

It seems to be quite difficult for people to accept that there are other points of view and other ways of being that do not threaten their own. One person’s ice cream date has nothing to do with another’s three-course meal, just like one person’s exercise of their rights (such as using contraceptives) does not prevent another person from adhering to their beliefs (such as choosing not to use contraceptives).

The right to self-determination is good, and we can all date in different ways with different goals. It is a lot less about the money than most people think. Pay attention to what is being exchanged and what the other person expects.

Even better, talk about expectations before the date. It need not be a mystery. You may save yourself a lot more than money by initiating this kind of open, direct communication.