The Tribune

By INIGO ‘NAUGHTY’ ZENICAZELAYA

THIS week the Leader of the Opposition wrote to Facebook. Unfortunately, it was all “legal talk”. Fortunately, I was able to decipher it for everyday Bahamians:

Dear Mr Zuckerberg,

What you sayin’, Sir? Long time no-see. I hope you and your ever-multiplying billions are doing well. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to hail you up personally when your most magnificent, splendid, luxurious, big-time diplomat yacht sailed through the Exumas. The so-called Competent Authority had me on ‘Lockdown’. (You know how he go.) But I hope you enjoyed our beautiful waters, and found all of our delicious free fish to your exquisite taste and liking.

I’m writing you today, Sir, on a most pressing issue: You see, Mr Mark, some no-good Bahamians are talking bad about my party and me on Facebook! How dare they?

So I have a little favour to ask.

Before you say ‘No,’ don’t worry, I assure you, it’s no biggie.

With all that is going on in the world today, you may be under the impression that the favour I need would be something significant, like establishing an offshore data centre here in The Bahamas. Or perhaps you believe I would lobby you to establish scholarships exclusively for industrious Bahamians who wish to involve themselves more in the tech world in order to grow the country’s sector. But you can relax; I ain’t on that run.

What I need from you, Mr High Lord of Digital Deception, is for you to shut down these devious political detractors on Facebook. Right away. (And since I have your attention, I might also need you to handle some disgruntled ‘Christie’ PLPs, too, just for the record).

You see, your Worship, not only are these unsanctioned trolls a danger to democracy, more importantly, they are a danger to me finally becoming Prime Minister and sitting in the Big Chair. As Numero Uno. The Final Boss.

Your Grace, these fake Facebook pages are popping up everywhere, running all kinds of dirty ads. Where are they getting all this money from for all these ads? Seriously, if you can do a little spying and let me know (since you also own WhatsApp and Instagram), that would be a nice little nugget to put in our next YouTube commercial.

By the way, did you know that my grandparents were subsistence farmers on Cat Island, who could not read or write?

Mr Zuck, can you believe someone put duct tape over the mouths of female PLP candidates in one of these disgusting ads? The scoundrels are illegally using our PLP brand to do it! Believe me; if I knew a way to stop the trolls my party does not control while insulating the ones we do control, I would find a good lawyer tomorrow!

So this is where you come in, my Master of Media Manipulation. You see, I have included in this letter a list of 11 accounts I need you to deal with post-haste.

Please, I beg of you, find them, and stop them!

In fact, I say duct tape everyone! Shut down everybody who is criticising the New PLP.

I’m not asking you to be the arbiter of truth because I will do that. After I’m elected, of course. However, right now, you must be my champion.

Let me also take this opportunity to apologize for calling your platform one that “profits from amplifying lies”. I was only joking! You know I love Facebook, and that was just politics.

So in closing, can you do ya boy this one lil favour, please, Sir? It would (one day) be significantly reciprocated.

I await your learned, unassailable response. But remember, the fate of our little country is in your mighty hands.

Yours now and forever,

Brave.

PS Do you have Elon Musk’s cell number? Ask him to give me a call. Some Bahamians may still feel salty because Elon talked about setting up a fiefdom here, but who cares? If he can manage to give my boy Flyin’ Fred a free ride on one of his rockets, all is forgiven. Trust me; you scratch our backs, we lotion your feet.