The Tribune

EDITOR, The Tribune.

Over and repeatedly we hear people ask: “Why do women stay in abusive relationships?’’ or “Why doesn’t she just leave him?” Although these may seem like valid questions, all these very simple questions have very complicated, multi-layered answers.

As an Advocate and Founder of 242 Domestic Violence Support Network Inc, an organisation fighting against domestic violence and sexual abuse of women and children, I want to clarify why women in abusive relationships ‘don’t leave’. In fact the question we need to ask more importantly, is why are men abusive to their partners? It is time to change the narrative in this country and stop blaming the victim; instead hold the abuser accountable.

Domestic violence affects all socio-economic groups, even with the prominent and the wealthy, it is often kept quiet. An opulent lifestyle doesn’t protect women from abuse. Domestic Violence develops as a pattern of coercive control, contrary to what most people think, domestic violence comes in various forms, physical, financial, emotional, verbal, economic, digital, mental, sexual, behaviour like terrorism and stalking. Victims oftentimes become isolated and trapped first by the abuser, and then the people around them who often seem to impose guilt and shame upon them. And sit in silence when witnessing the abuse.

Outside of our broken system and lax laws, one of the most painful experiences expressed by victims is the silence of everyone around them. So to address some of the questions asked about why they don’t report or speak up.

Here are a few responses as to why they stayed:

She held dreams and hopes for the future.

She thought no one would believe her.

She felt embarrassed about being abused.

She was afraid of losing her affluence.

She was told that women should be submissive.

She still loved him.

She felt his behaviour would change or she could change him.

She was worried about the effects of divorce on the children.

She shared financial commitments and emotionally couldn’t manage on her own.

She was worried about single parenting and that it would be too difficult.

He was the sole provider.

She was afraid of how he’ll react if she leaves.

She held strong values and ideas about marriage and commitment.

She was afraid of being forced into poverty.

She was threatened if she left he would kill her, the children, the family or himself.

He had threatened to hurt her if she left.

He had threatened to hurt the children.

He had threatened to get full custody of the children.

She had no support system from family, friends or relevant authority.

Her partner was a high-profile individual, law enforcement officer, or successful business-man, etc.

Learned Helplessness or suffered from Trauma Bonding.

He used power and control tactics.

The tendency to blame the victim also stems in part from our need to believe that the world is a fair and just place. When something bad happens to another person, we often believe that they must have done something to deserve such a fate. Some psychologists ascribe this tendency to lay the blame on the victim is known as the fundamental attribution error. This bias involves attributing other people’s behaviours to internal or personal characteristics while ignoring external forces and situations that also may have played a role.

None of us is exempt from bad situations or unhealthy relationships, so the next time we find ourselves wondering what someone else did to bring on their misfortune, take a moment to consider the psychological attributions and biases that affect our judgment. Rather than blame the victim, try putting ourselves in that person’s shoes and perhaps try a little empathy instead.

Largely, gender role socialisation leads to the transmission of the cultural values of patriarchy, including male entitlement, privilege and domination. In our society we have a deeply rooted patriarchal culture which promotes male entitlement and the objectification and possession of women (a lot of men see their partners as possessions) leads to an imbalance of power in relationships.

Violence becomes a tool to exert power and keep control in a culture where men are supposed to always be in control and never be challenged or disrespected. The culture of honour further justifies abuse and often encourages the same. Victims constantly live in fear. Victims live with stigma. Fear clouds judgment – leaving becomes harder and harder.

Victims tend to start blaming themselves and also minimising and hiding the partner’s abuse since they don’t want their partner to be judged by others. In many cases the abuse escalates slowly and in gradual increments with intermittent spurts of love, affection and apologies. Gifts, grand gestures and huge apologies may be used to convince the victim that they are loved. The abuse follows a cyclical pattern where there is a violent episode, followed by apologies and the honeymoon phase. This cycle can be as short as a week or in some cases have months or years in between. Abuse is confusing! However, one common denominator abuse stems from the need for power and control.

Instead we must all focus on the right questions, instead of asking why she didn’t leave, ask why and how in 2022 can a man feel confident and entitled to abuse a woman?

Focus on how we are raising our sons and why our boys grow up to be abusive. Ask the right questions and maybe we will find the right solutions. While the cries for shelters are a vital part of the system for abused women. However, it will take a fully integrated community wide effort to save victims, women and children from domestic violence. We need clergy, the judicial system, police, medical, schools, corporations, government and families of all types coming forth and implementing a zero tolerance approach.

Without that we can’t affect any long-term change.

Shervonne Cash-Hollis

Advocate, Founder 242 Domestic Violence Support Network Inc.

Nassau,

January 31, 2022.