The Tribune

THIS week started with Valentine’s Day and there were countless roses, chocolates, greeting cards and romantic gestures going around.

We have come to accept February as the month of love, so it is a good time to talk about relationships. It is important for all of us to spend time thinking about what healthy, happy relationships look and feel like. We need to assess our relationships on a regular basis and pay attention to the flags that may present themselves.

People often talk about red flags and the concept has been reduced to a meme, complete with the red flag emoji. While the jokes fly across the internet, we need to remember red flags are warnings, and, particularly in relationships, we need to look out for them, identify them early and do what we can to get out of those situations which can become dangerous.

On the flip side, we do not talk enough about green flags. People need to know what to look for in relationships and how to show up for other people. We need to know what a healthy relationship looks like and, in particular, understand it is not just the absence of red flags.

Here are a few red flags and green flags to keep in mind and discuss with family members and friends, especially young people who are just beginning to explore romantic relationships. Note that everyone presenting a red flag is not a “bad” person, nor is everyone presenting a green flag a “good” person.

We have all learned bad and good practices from our experiences and observations. That is not an excuse for abusive behaviour. There is room to learn, grow and transform. That said, it is not anyone’s job to do that work in a relationship for someone else. We are responsible for our own behaviour and we also have to learn to navigate relationships and read the signs as they present themselves.

Red flags

1 They constantly call or text you. This kind of behaviour is often seen as cute and mistaken for care and concern. It is, however, a sign of insecurity and an attempt to exercise control. This person tries to insert themselves into your activities and disrupt whatever is happening that does not involve them.

Romantic relationships change over time. It is not unusual for them to start in a way some describe as “hot and heavy”. Spending a lot of time together is a way to get to know one another, show interest and develop a bond. It can be fun to have various kinds of interactions, but when it gets in the way of essential tasks and your autonomy, there is an issue. You should be able to spend time with your parents, go out with friends, attend meetings, and do errands without interruption. There is a difference between fun, friendly check-ins and control.

2 They have a short temper. This is not about getting upset, but about the way they manage their emotions. A person with a short temper may get loud, get physical, or become vindictive. This person is not able to recognise their own feelings and they fail to control their reactions. This is not acceptable - and it is not safe.

3 They guilt you. This can prompt you to try to change their mind about whatever they say you are doing to hurt them. They may say you care about someone else more than them because you took a phone call. They use an incident to tell a story they know you do not and will not accept. They present in such a way it seems like you have to prove yourself. This is a form of manipulation used to get you to take a particular action or position in order to spare their feelings or save the relationship. This means they are okay with making you feel so bad about what they say they think that you prioritise changing their thoughts over thinking rationally about what actually happened and what they are trying to do.

Green flags

1 They communicate openly and honestly. This comes with self-awareness and self-reflection. This person knows who they are, is aware of their past trauma and understands how their experiences have shaped them and their participation in your relationship.

They can name their feelings and find the root or, at the very least, say they are confused or unclear on what they are feeling and ask for time to think about it or help talking it through. They do not use parables, analogies, or hypotheticals instead of telling you what is going on. They do not try to make figure things out on your own or leave you guessing. If you ask a question, you get a clear, direct answer. This may not always be comfortable and you may not always like the conversations, but you are not in the dark.

2 They have long-lasting friendships and support yours. They have and are able to sustain long-term relationships. Their interactions with family members are healthy. They engage other people in safe, healthy ways, express themselves clearly and handle disagreements in non-violent, productive ways. They are happy for you to spend time with your family members and friends, and they acknowledge you have a support systems outside of them.

3 They honour your boundaries. This person accepts your ‘no’. They do not question or pressure you. When you state your needs, they support you. They do not challenge you on the decisions you make to take care of yourself. They work toward building trust and do not try to guilt you into making exceptions to appease them.

4 They support your growth. When new opportunities arise, they are excited for you. They cheer you on when you take on new challenges and they celebrate your successes. They do not make your wins about them.

5 They affirm and validate you. They not only listen to you, but they acknowledge what you say matters and what you experience and feel is real. They do not have to completely agree with you, but they make the effort to understand where you are coming from, so they are able to tell you, honestly, that your response to a situation is understandable. They tell you when you have done a great job. They thank you for sharing something that is difficult for you to think about or verbalise. Instead of rushing toward a solution or determining who is right or wrong, they assure you that it is okay to feel what you are feeling. This makes it easier for you to move toward repair when there is a conflict.

6 They give you space. They value you as a person at least as much as they value your relationship. They understand that you are two different people with different needs. You do not need to be together all the time, and you do not need to do everything together and they know this. When you choose to spend a weekend alone, they support that decision. After a wonderful vacation together, they are fine with having some time apart. Even living together, they know your preferences for sharing the space, whether that means undisturbed time in the bathtub, stopping by the beach for some quiet time alone, or not launching into reports on your respective days within the first hour of getting home.

7 They respect your privacy. You can have conversations without them in the room. They know they are not entitled to every detail of your friends’ or family members’ situations that may be discussed with you. They do not monitor your devices. They do not track your location. They do not check your bank account or go through private documents. They do not pop up at your workplace to see if you are really there. They trust you and they respect your right to disclose or not disclose personal information as you see fit.

Recommendations

1 Consider studying in Brazil. Registration is open for Caribbean students at Federal University for Latin American Integration (UNILA) of Brazil until March 1, 2022. A free bilingual (Portuguese-Spanish) university, UNILA reserves 50 percent of its undergraduate vacancies for foreign students from Latin America and the Caribbean. There are 29 courses of study and 708 vacancies for 2022. For information, visit portal.unila.edu.br.

2 Inventing Anna. Anna Delvey convinced some of New York’s most powerful and wealthy people that she was a German heiress. This drama mini-series by Shonda Rhimes was inspired by the viral article “How Anna Delvey Tricked New York’s Party People.” A woman in her 20s, Anna was living up in Manhattan, leaving five and six-figure bills behind her. It is all so implausible it can almost be mistaken for comedy. The non-fiction written about her may actually be more interesting than the mini-series, but consider the latter a test drive.