The Tribune

By FELICITY DARVILLE

I MET Vandera Carey several years ago when I was coordinating UNESCO’s Jazz Day Celebrations with Dr Leon Higgs. She told me that she would like to be a part of the event. While we knew Vandera would deliver a lovely performance, we discovered that it is the stage where her personality comes alive. She went up on that stage and performed her heart out, and the crowd loved her. Meanwhile, her biggest fan, her husband George, was waiting in the wings.

Back then, they did not have children. They were praying, hoping, waiting... and trying. The night that Vandera performed, I saw George give his wife so much love and support. He seemed like he just wanted to make all her dreams come true.

Well, from their lips to God’s ears, what seemed like an impossible six year wait was rewarded with two bouncing baby girls. But, it was not an easy journey.

As Infertility Awareness Week came to a close this weekend, Vandera and I discussed that journey, and the joy of faith that has brought them all the happiness in the world. She penned this letter from the heart:

“As a child, we sang the playful adage: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the mummy with the baby carriage. This is the status quo of every married couple, but not quite how it went for me.

“When my husband and I decided to try for a baby, it did not go quite that way. This was my introduction and first close encounter with the giant, Infertility. (Infertility is a medical term for a woman over the age of 25 who has been trying to conceive for more than 6 months).

In fact, it took six long years.

“While this is so, there were two occasions when we conceived, and later lost those pregnancies. It was devastating. Questions began to flood my mind about the health of my body, my husband’s body, and whether God was punishing me for anything. I wanted to correct whatever the issue could possibly be. I began learning everything I possibly could about infertility. I felt like I could fix the problem on my own, but I was only defeating myself. I had a moment with God, and promised Him that I will wait on Him, and that I wanted to recover all that I’ve lost in the process, and one year later, I was on a new job, and found myself pregnant one week post my probationary period. While this was not the ideal scenario, all things worked out perfectly. While struggling with infertility, one is expected to function normally, be questioned constantly by family, and friends about my delayed motherhood because in our culture, it is normal to not only conceive just after marriage, but also normal to ask those questions to a married couple without a child.

“Trapped in my own prison, I had no answers, and little to no support through this ordeal, because while other women overcame infertility, they’ve closed the door behind them without sharing the knowledge and/or support with other women dealing with the same thing.

“My doctors recommended fertility treatments, but to my dismay, they all failed. I am not knocking the treatment because some people have been successful with the added intervention. I later conceived my two daughters naturally. Nevertheless, with the help of my doctor, and other research, I discovered what some of my issues were and I was able to conceive both of my children.

“Last week during World Infertility Awareness week, I took to social media to share my story and to lend support to my community. I was amazed by the reception and number of women who reached out to me privately. I plan to build a strong network for women struggling in this area, where we can have a safe space to share knowledge and lend support for those believing and hoping for their miracle.

“I encourage all women who are dealing with infertility issues, to know that there is hope, and to stay in the fight. God is still in the miracle business.”

So many couples are silently dealing with infertility, and the emotional struggle can be amplified by the lack of understanding, insensitivity, and inappropriate comments from friends, family and even social media. There are so many misconceptions about infertility due to lack of clarity and flawed perception.

Here are a few pointers about infertility and the effect it has on couples:

1 Infertility is diagnosed after a woman under the age of 30 has been trying for one year to conceive.

2 Every 1 in 8 women struggle with Infertility

3 Infertility is mostly transitory with the proper care and medical assistance.

4 Trying to conceive (TTC) can be emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting.

5 Having to explain why “we are not pregnant yet” hurts.

6 Comments like “you’re getting old” or “what are y’all waiting on” doesn’t help.

7 No, we are not jealous of your pregnancy success, we actually find it admirable.

8 Infertility is sometimes due to a male factor.

9 Your kind support is more satisfying than overwhelming us with unsolicited advice.

10 We do not always want to share our feelings about pregnancy or infertility status.

11 When friends who did not struggle to conceive, think they “get it”. No sis, it’s not as easy as you imagine.

12 I might be able to handle it well, but that does not mean that it is easy for me to handle.

13 Being infertile, does not make a woman less than any other woman.”

National Infertility Awareness Week is a movement founded in the United States of America in 1989 by RESOLVE: the National Infertility Association. Its mission is to empower you and change the conversation around infertility.

Vandera hopes that by bringing awareness of this plight in the Bahamas, couples here could have the support, as well as the wealth of information they need to help them through their journey.

Today, Vandera’s life is filled with more love than she even imagined: “Geanna-Marie (age 4) is definitely my twin. We get that all the time. She has her dad’s personality but she has my entire face! The little one, Geah-Rose (age two and a half) - she keeps the house lit. She keeps everybody on their toes because we have to keep up with her... she moves very swiftly and she is strong willed. She has her dad’s face, but her own personality... not even mine... she has her own personality - and a very big personality!”

Follow Vandera and learn more @faithandfertilitykeys on Instagram.