The Tribune

MOTHER’S Day is just a few days away, and many are scrambling to make plans and purchases for the mothers in their lives.

Mothers are, of course, deserving of this day of recognition, celebration and, most of all, ease. Motherhood becomes, in many cases, a state of being, and mothering is an unending series of actions, some of which are imperceptible. It is thinking ahead, predicting outcomes, solving problems, filling in for people who fail to show up, answering calls for help, cheerleading, storing information, and sharing knowledge. It is more than the work we see — the cooking, cleaning, taxiing, nursing, supervising, and disciplining. It is layers and layers of invisible work that make other activities possible. It is knowing every birthday and anniversary, keeping mental lists of what is in the pantry and refrigerator, keeping up with multiple people’s schedules, and navigating changing relationships as children get older and have different needs. I often look at the mother in my life in wonder, amazed by what and how much they do.

Mothers are constantly giving. They give their money, they give their time, they give their energy, and they give their advice. They pull people aside when they need to be updated, corrected, or convinced to do what is necessary, right, or helpful. Mothers make sure people have what they need and can present the best versions of themselves to the world. Motherhood, in many cases, changes people’s lives, giving them a different lens to view the world, a new priority, and a different way of being. Mothers sustain our lives.

Some argue that it is natural, that women are wired to mother, to nurture. It cannot be ignored, however, that motherhood has been conceptualized and is practised within the expectations and limitations of gender. We understand mothers to be women, and that women perform in a particular way. If a woman becomes a mother, there are certain expectations that she must meet, regardless of the resources available to her. Mothers are hailed as heroes for doing far too much and having to look good while they do it. They are blamed for all that goes wrong with their children, no matter the age, no matter the participation of other parents or guardians. It is unfortunate that the work of mothers is so rarely recognized, and so often criticised. Motherhood is a double-edged sword, and it comes with just one day for celebration.

While we may not be able to provide compensation to our mothers, we can find ways to make Mother’s Day special and to lighten the load they carry year-round. They may enjoy seeing loved ones at church services, being treated to brunch, having a fancy lunch, or being “queen for a day,” but there are ways to give mothers more of what they actually want. That could be having quality time more often with the people they love, having more time to do things they enjoy that are not linked to their children’s needs, having fewer responsibilities that could be easily shared fall to them by default, and many other meaningful changes that require more effort than dressing up and spending a few dollars.

An overdone trope on television is a man buying a woman a new vacuum cleaner. He always thinks he has done the world by giving her a gadget that will make cleaning easier, or they may even imagine it would be fun. She smiles politely and expresses gratitude, but it is obvious that she is disappointed in the presentation of household equipment, benefitting everyone, as a personal gift.

This year, try to do Mother’s Day differently. Offer something truly valuable to the mothers in your life. Give them something that will last more than a day. Don’t limit yourself to the things you can pick up from a roadside vendor in a rush. Think about their lives and what would make them easier. Think about what would bring them more joy and ease. What would they like to or do less? What would they like to experience more often? What are they not going to do for themselves or specifically request?

This does not have to be an all-expense paid trip to Bali (though if you can afford it and she wants it, why not?).

Did she grow up somewhere else and not have the chance to visit in the last decade? Has she lost contact with a good friend you can easily find on social media? Is she sick and tired of doing school pickup for your sibling, but will never say so? Find solutions to her problems, just like she finds solutions for yours. Don’t have a lot of money to go around? Many of the best gifts do not cost money. Here are three ideas:

1 Share unpaid domestic work. Women are often tasked with all or most of the household cleaning and management. This includes sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, dusting, dishwashing, laundry, ironing, and making beds. They are typically the ones to make arrangements for various services such as carpet cleaning, pressure washing, and diagnosis and repair of appliances. They rearrange their schedules to coordinate and present for delivery of cooking gas. They supervise the work of people hired to assist with housecleaning, landscaping, and childcare, so even if money is spent to reduce the burden, women still have to make the lists, communicate the needs, answer questions, check the work, make the payments, and give the rides home.

For Mother’s Day, take on some of that work, long-term. If you live in the house, you do some of the work. Make the commitment and follow through, whether it is doing the dishes every evening, preparing breakfast three mornings per week, or doing the laundry. Encourage other capable people in the household to participate in the domestic work, even if you have to teach them. At a certain age, children can take their own plates to the sink, clean their own rooms, and help with bigger tasks. You may even be able to create some competition and fun in the household. Either way, it is unfair for mothers to do all of this work, and now is a great time to move toward equality in the home.

2 Share unpaid care work. Care work never seems to end. Babies need to be fed, toddlers need to be bathed, older children need to be helped with their homework, and teenagers need supervision, rides, advice, and encouragement.

Parents and grandparents need help maintaining their homes, rides to appointments, and company in the evenings. Women step in to care for multiple generations. Women are often the ones to leave work to do school pick-up, in many cases sacrificing their lunch breaks. Grandmothers seem to be expected to take care of their children in their retirement years.

Some of them would prefer to do other things with their freedom from paid work, but feel trapped doing the unpaid work of childcare for their children.

Even if Grammy enjoys taking care of the children, she deserves to have some free time. If she does every week day, think about ways to give her a day or two off. Be sure that her kindness is costing her, not only money, but time to enjoy the company of friends and family of her choosing.

Just because women do this work, and even enjoy parts of it, does not mean they should (feel as though they) have to do it. Lighten the load by stepping up and thinking creatively.

3 Create an experience. Ask the mothers in your life what they would like to do. Whose company would they like to have? How would they like to spend one day? How would they like to spend their weekends? Where is their favorite place? Where do they feel most at peace? What makes them feel loved? When do they feel appreciated?

Instead of doing what is easy or feels good for you, instead of doing what you would like to brag about on Monday, do something just for them. Do something that responds to their needs. Maybe a mother, for Mothers Day, would like for everyone to be out of the house so she can enjoy the quiet and not have to get dressed for once.

Maybe a mother would like the spare bedroom to be cleared of all junk, and to be able to spend one hour per day in a comfortable chair in that room. A mother may want to learn to swim, or help taking the children to the beach.

A mother may want time to finish her PhD dissertation, and that may mean a few months off from grocery shopping and cooking dinner. Maybe a bottle of perfume will do it, but ask. Ask mothers what they want, and be prepared to create that experience for them.

Recommendations

1 Ain’t That a Mother by Adiba Nelson. Nelson is an Afro-Latina woman sharing her motherhood journey in a memoir. The book blurb says, “Mom to a new baby with high medical needs and with a slew of hardships that just won’t quit, she set out on a reckoning that was just as generational as it was personal. Along the way, Adiba never loses her heart or her humour.”

2 Black Girls Must Die Exhausted by Jayne Allen. This book is on many book club lists, roundup articles, and to-be-read piles. The title comes from an old adage by the main character Tabitha’s grandmother. While Tabitha had big plans to have it all, life threw her a curveball. Strong relationships with the women in her life, including her friends and her beloved grandmother, she figures out how to pull it all together.

3 Maid by Stephanie Land. This memoir was adapted by Netflix for a limited series of the same name. Land shares her experience of working as a maid and struggling to make ends meet. It is a compelling story, spotlighting the difficulty of being underpaid and all but invisible while showing what one can learn about people by cleaning their homes.