The Tribune

VALENTINE’S Day can be one of the most illuminating special occasions that is not a holiday. There are people who like this kind of day, people who despise them, and people who are completely indifferent. Most people seem to like it when they are able to reap its rewards. Similarly, for those who are not recipients of gifts and gestures grands and small, it can be a day of disappointment, and even lead to feelings of low self-worth.

There is something about days like Valentine’s Day and the ways they are promoted and acknowledged that sets people up to be at one extreme end of their emotions.

We learn, at an early age, that Valentine’s Day is associated with romantic love. Somehow, even in the midst of students giving valentines to everyone else in the class and parents giving gifts to their children, it is clear that these are just stand-ins until we get to the stage at which romantic love is not only acceptable, but a primary goal in life.

Valentine’s Day has, of course, been focused on sweet treats and gift to be presented to women by the men who love (or want them to believe they love) them. There is no shame for men who do not receive flowers, chocolate, or other expressions of love. Everyone seems to pay attention, however, to the deliveries coming through the office door and the women who do and do not receive them. There is judgment, there is competition, there is bragging, and there is gossip.

Which floral arrangement looks cheap? Whose husband sends the same thing every year? Who sent themselves flowers pretending they were from someone else? Who took an extra-long lunch? Who got multiple deliveries, and what’s going on there? Who is not taking their treats home, and what sinister stories are concocted to explain that decision?

Who is showing up today, the day after Valentine’s Day, with a story about the night before, and are they making it up because they were embarrassed to be the only person without a gift yesterday?

What about your friends?

It has been particularly interesting to see the increased participation, over the past few years, in another day, Galentine’s Day - a day for women to celebrate their friendships with women - which is not necessarily limited to February 13, but extends to February 14. It is delightful to have a day to celebrate the friendships that make life more enjoyable and help to get us through difficult times.

Galentine’s Day is a great opportunity to acknowledge dear friends, thank them for all that they do, and share the photos and videos that have been taking up space on devices, just waiting to be relevant and shareable again.

Some people participate in Singles Awareness Day - which has an acronym that is either hilarious or unfortunate - on February 14, call attention to their status.

For some friend groups, it is another day to get together and have fun, and for others it is a day to complain about all of the people who are coupled up and, at least for this one day, fully absorbed in their romantic relationships.

Singles Awareness Day events can be a fun way to spend time with people who definitely will not bring up partners no one knows or likes, and that is why it is appealing to so many people, especially when they feel like outsiders in other spaces where the red and white decor, love songs, and chocolate are plentiful.

Friendships are perfect for practising and learning about love. They are safe places because we choose our friends and we set the parameters for engagement.

For too many of us, love was presented within families as violence, control, and fear. It is difficult to unlearn what was imposed in formative years, but friendships have room for it.

Traditions are created. It is okay to ask questions. We are encouraged to say what we want. Friends can tell us when we are being unreceptive.

With therapy, we can start identifying the ways our past trauma impacts the way we engage today.

Do you accept care from you friends? When does it become uncomfortable? Is it an amount of money, an amount of time, or a level of intimacy that causes discomfort? How do you offer care? How do you respond when it is accepted, and when it is rejected?

Self-study and open conversations with friends can be helpful in figuring out where you need to put more attention. It is highly likely that the attention needs to be on you.

Self-love, self-care, and community-care

In recent years, self-love became a buzzword, closely followed by self-care, in the attempt to get people to recognize their own value and to take care of themselves, prioritising their needs rather than sacrificing their own to meet those of others.

It has become popular enough to be an area of significant focus in self-help books, women’s groups, and mental health social media channels. Self-love is an important concept that must be actioned in self-care which is helpful in finding, restoring, and maintaining balance in our lives.

More recently, there have been calls for the practice of community-care. It comes from recognition that self-care is important and has changed people’s lives, and the reality that many of the people who need care the most do not have the capacity or the resources to do it for themselves, and they should not have to. We are in community for a reason. We are supposed to support, encourage, and care for one another.

Community care is about contributing what we can to ensure that everyone has what they need. This could mean an office closes for one week after the busiest period of the year because the staff need time to rest and recover. It could mean a religious institution has a group of people that visits people who are ill and/or unable to leave their homes. Further than that, there is support for that group of people so the same small group is not doing it every single week of the year and each person has access to mental health services, recognising that this work can affect people deeply.

It is critical that we recognize that community care requires the participation of people who understand and are committed to caring for themselves.

Every participant has to know their own needs, their own limits, and their own non-negotiable. This means there is self-love, self-awareness, and a practice of self-care. For many of the people around us, community care does not seem possible because they have not yet learned to love and care for themselves.

We can think about this in relation to issues of national concern and, in particular, human rights. How are specific communities impacted by both conditions and events, how do we respond to their specific needs, and how would the responses be different if we had a practice of self-love and community-care?

Our positions on and reactions to national issues and events are indicative of our relationships with ourselves as much as they are related to our relationships - and lack of relationships - with one another.

Giving love to yourself

Last month, I attended a session hosted by The Institute for Radical Permission with Sonya Renee Taylor and Adrienne Marie Brown who were in conversation with ALOK Vaid-Menon. One of the most thought-provoking comments from ALOK was about the way romantic love and romantic relationships are often prioritised.

In talking about love and self-acceptance, they noted that love is discussed and treated as though it is a limited resource that can only be accessed by certain people.

We can think about what we see as determinants of love and whether or not people are worthy of love, from their appearance in relation to Eurocentric beauty standards to their socioeconomic status.

ALOK said, “My first politicisation was not about being queer — it’s about being a single person. And like wait, what? You mean I have to find someone else for me to get access to this unshakeable security? Actually, I can give that to [myself].”

Capacity to care

Many among us have yet to start the journey toward truly loving and caring for ourselves and creating a sense of security. In some cases, the same people attempt to be in community with others, comment on those in need, and rail against people whose aim is to offer assistance. Building the capacity to care is a step that is often skipped, particularly when people accept positions and seek to assert their new found power.

Building that capacity is not even considered by people who are operating under the assumption that love and care, along with many other resources, including rights and justice, are limited and/or must be earned.

One of the most difficult tasks we have in front of us today is rejecting the scarcity mentality, and that will help us to understand that human rights are inherent, inalienable, universal, and indivisible, that equality will benefit all of us, and that love and care are not just fluffy concepts, but practices that are necessary for our survival.

This is self-work, and it is collective work. The pledge to the flag of The Bahamas ends with “united in love and service”. As we approach the celebration of 50 years of independence, we ought to take time to think about those words, and whether or not we are prepared to make them true.

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