The Tribune

By ALICIA WALLACE

Missing children continue to be in the headlines and the topic of many uninformed discussions. We, far too frequently, see flyers with the photos, names, and descriptions of children who have been reported missing. Marco’s Alert does not seem to be functioning as promised, so families depend on us to watch the news and be attentive to social media so that we become aware of missing children. 

Response to the abuse of children continues to be wrongheaded. Police, who are accustomed to operating with authority that is asserted and maintained based on fear (rather than law enforcement for the betterment of communities) are now using the fears of parents, calling on them to “police” their own children.

Superintendent Nathaniel Gilbert spoke about the use of social media by predators to contact children which, of course, invokes fear, particularly in parents and guardians of children who have access to the internet. He spoke of the need for parents to know where their children are at all times, including when they themselves are at home and in bed. These are reasonable, yet insufficient, suggestions.

As Gilbert noted, many children have their own devices that they can access independently, connect to the internet, and engage in any manner of activity. It is not enough to tell parents that they need to know who their children are connecting with online and meeting in person. A higher level of involvement is required along with a more uncomfortable, unfortunately uncommon practice to prevent violence against children — education.

Children need to know that predators exist, and that they may encounter them in any space, in person and online. They need to know that they, as children, have rights, and to understand what those rights are and how they access them. As there are laws to protect children and give children access to justice, children need to know the laws. It is the responsibility of the adults in their lives to ensure that children have the information they need to assess the situations they may be in and to identify people who are safe and will listen to their reports.

Comprehensive sexuality education cannot be skipped or avoided when we are prioritising the health, safety, and wellbeing of children. Too many of us had to learn about sex and sexual relationships on our own, often through much unnecessary and completely avoidable trial and error, because the adults in our lives prioritised their own comfort above our education which is directly linked to our health, safety, and wellbeing. Too many of us learned about sexual abuse through our own experiences and, in many cases, only knowing that it was abuse and that there was recourse many years later.

All children need to be taught be taught about consent. All children need to be taught and given permission to exercise bodily autonomy. They must be able to say “no.” We have to get past the belief that children saying “no” is rude in all circumstances. They need to be encouraged to say “no” when they are uncomfortable. They need to be encouraged to tell adults when an interaction makes them uncomfortable. Children need to know the real names of their body parts, and to be unafraid and unashamed in using those names with their parents and guardians. They need to be able to say who touched or tried to touch them and where. They need to be able to speak truthfully, without fear that they would get in trouble, or that the adults in their lives would believe the other adult instead of them.

Parents and guardians need to build relationships of trust with their children. Children need to know that parents and guardians have accurate information, are willing to share information in appropriate ways, are willing and ready to listen to them, and will believe and advocate for them.

Since trust is important in the relationships that adults build with their children, it can be challenging to appropriately restrict and monitor access to devices and the internet. Parents and guardians first need to know how to use the internet and the websites, apps, and other products that children will engage with, hear about, or come across in their regular use. If a child has an email account, their parents and guardians need to know the email address and how it is being used. Adults need to know, for example, that email addresses can be connect to other products and services, some of which enable communication.

If children need to use computers or tablets to complete their schoolwork, it is difficult for adults to supervise at all times. A plan needs to be developed to allow children to benefit from technology while minimising the risks. Adults may, for example, set screen time limits, make use of two-factor authentication, use an app to monitor and set alerts for certain types of use, or password protect devices and apps. This should not be done and presented as punishment or lack of trust in the children, but as a security measure that is necessary and that will change as they get older and more capable of assessing situations for themselves.

Parents and guardians need to be provided with tools to support them in educating their children, building trust, and increasing responsibility with appropriate security mechanisms. They need to have reliable access to the internet. They need to know about tools, like Aura, Qustodio, and Net Nanny, that can help them to restrict and monitor their children’s online activity. They need to be able to pay for these products. They need to have accurate sexuality education material and guidance on sharing information with their children, especially if they — like most adults in The Bahamas — have never received comprehensive sexuality education. Everyone is not equipped to do all of this work, and it does not mean that they do not deserve to be or cannot be good parents. It means they need support, and enough people need this kind of support to warrant the development of national resources, especially if we are serious about child protection.

As children continue to go missing, whether they are running away, abducted, or lured by predators, there are more calls for parents to pay attention to their children’s whereabouts. The general public is often surprised by what it deems to be a lack of supervision and discipline in children. How could the parents not know? Why was no one there? What kind of parent leaves children of that age home alone? Eventually, someone makes mention of the “village” they would like to believe still exists or can exist for everyone. This, today, is fantasy. It is not because we, as a people, have changed, but because our conditions have changed.

Just twenty years ago, many grandparents were doing school pickup, sometimes going to more than one school to get all of the children. The children would spent the afternoon at the grandparents’ house, doing homework, having snacks, playing in the yard under watchful eyes, watching television, and, if they were lucky, talking to friends on the telephone. At the end of their work shifts, parents would pick their children up and take them home. Today, most parents cannot depend on grandparents to provide free childcare. Grandparents are still working. This is not, as some may suggest, because grandparents are in their 40s, but because people have to work longer. Many people cannot afford to retire. Everyone does not have a job that allows them to bring their children for two or three hours after school (or ignores it). Everyone does not have friendly neighbours who are at home in the afternoon. Everyone cannot afford to pay babysitters. Many children are responsible for picking up their younger siblings from school, walking or taking the bus together, getting into the house, and preparing meals or snacks. Sometimes this level of responsibility is taken to mean that a certain amount of freedom is earned. Sometimes responsibility is placed on children who are at “a certain age”, but have not been provided with the necessary education, beyond firm instructions or threats, to recognise unsafe situations.

The instruction from the police to parents and guardian to “police” their children is unhelpful. Children need to be treated like human beings. They are people. They are people with rights. They are people with the right to education. They are people with the capacity to learn. Children who do not have what might be considered to be regular, consistent supervision at particularly at risk. Telling parents and guardians—who are at work because that is how they get money to pay the bills — to police their children does not reduce the risk.

We are, somehow, still being expected to, as individuals, solve problems that are systemic. The disintegration of the “village” is systemic. The inflexible, anti-family work environment is systemic. The lack of a living wage is systemic. The exhaustion of parents and guardians at the end of the day, when they have little left to offer their children or the “policing” strategy, is systemic. People and households are under-resourced and taxed over and over again, not just on products and services, but taxed in time and energy to do, all alone, what our taxes should do for us. We need after school programs for children. We need digital security training in all schools, and courses and resources for parents and guardians. We need law enforcement to focus on identifying, apprehending, and charging predators. We need a living wage. We need an effective social security system that respond to today’s reality.

Yes, parents and guardians need to be more involved in the lives of their children. They need to spend more time with them. They need to have more conversations with them. They need to know more about what they are doing, what they like, who they are talking to, and what they would like to do. They need to teach life skills and, in some cases, to gain life skills for themselves. To do any of this, they need to be able to afford it, in time, money and energy. This is not an individual problem or a household problem. This is an issue of national concern, and it requires systemic solutions.