The Tribune

National hand wringing over crime is a repetitive and predictable event. Every few months, there is a pile up of murder cases, exposure of young people to crime, or one very upsetting event. All of a sudden, everyone wants to talk about crime.

Solutions are rarely presented, but people are upset and talking and throwing whatever they can find at the wall to see what might stick. Often overlooked is the violence that is bred within households and families. This is not limited to domestic violence—which includes the abuse of children which many refer to as “corporal punishment” and “discipline”—and intimate partner violence. It extends to the way people speak to one another on a regular basis. There is a desperate need for people in The Bahamas to learn non-violent communication techniques and practice them regularly so that they become the default for responding to difficult situations.

Practice non-violent communication with these four steps:

1. Tell the person what you observe. Avoid using labels or assigning value to observation. Simply state what you saw or heard. For example, you may say, “I saw that there was no response to the email I sent yesterday,” rather than complaining that someone “never” answers emails, or “I heard a negative comment about my cooking,” rather than saying someone hates the meal that was prepared. Resist the urge to give a diagnosis. Focus on what you observed of the incident.

2. Share the way you feel about what you observed. For example, “When I don’t receive a response to my emails, I feel anxious about what the person is thinking and whether or not I will get the approval I need to move forward with my work and meet the deadline,” or “When I heard negative comments about my cooking, I don’t feel confident about presenting what I’ve made and I feel reluctant to try again. I feel embarrassed when other people talk about my what goes wrong when I’m trying something new.” When people talk about incidents they find disturbing, they often launch into assumptions about the other party or parties involved without and before articulating their own feelings. This can escalate the conversation rather than giving everyone involved a chance to confront the feelings being experienced which is critical to the next step. It is not a time or a way to guilt or manipulate the other party. It is a way to build connection.

3. State what you need. Think about what a path forward looks like for you. For example, “I need timely responses to my emails that marked “urgent” so that I can the recommended direction to complete tasks before the deadline and without having to work overtime.” Another example is, “I need positive feedback on my effort to cook to help build my confidence. I need to be supported in improving when something I make is not good.” In this step, the goal is to communicate your values and the kind of interaction that would lead to positive feelings and good outcomes.

4. Suggest a concrete action. For example, “I would like for you to respond to my urgent emails within the same work day, even if your reply is to let me know you are not able to share answer the question or respond to the question yet. I would like an estimated time that I will receive it.” For the cooking scenario, you may say, “I would like for you to tell me when you enjoy a meal. When something is not as enjoyable, please tell me privately.” This is the time to make your request of the other party. You have stated your observance, shared your feelings about it, and said what you need. When you make a clear ask, the other party can see that you are willing to continue in the relationship and you can see, in their response, if they are willing to do their part.

Children are capable of clear, nonviolent communication, and it needs to be modeled for and practiced with them. It can be upsetting when children do not do what is asked of them. Sometimes, they simply choose not to do as they are told. They may know what is expected of them and still prioritize something else. They are children, and they are human beings. They can have preferences, they can have their priorities in the wrong order, they can make mistakes, and they can do things that do not make sense to anyone else or outside of the moment that they make the choice.

We learn as we get older, have more experiences, and see the results of our actions. Adults often forget that children have not been on earth as long, do not have as much experience, and do not have fully developed brains. They will make mistakes and they will make the wrong choices. It is not because they are rude or spiteful, but because they are still learning, and they need adults to teach and guide them. Adults make mistakes too, and this is clear evidence that we should extend more grace to children.

Non-violent communication is a practice that adults need to learn. Most of us were never taught to communicate in this way and do not regularly experience this form of communication. It takes intentional, consistent effort to make this a norm for ourselves and our relationships. Parents, in particular, need to spend time practicing this way of communicating with other people, including children. After being taught to react violently, whether physically or verbally, to anything we do not like, it is especially difficult to slow down and self-moderate. The difficulty, however, is not an excuse not to do it. We need to change the way we communicate, normalise non-violent communication, and give children tools to express their feelings and resolve conflict.

Take for example, a child who was told to complete their homework before the parent gets home, but they do not do it. After a long day at work, sitting in traffic two or three times for the day, having at least one encounter with a miserable, unhelpful person, and still having items on the to do list, the parents is not in the mood for fun and games. The realisation that the child has not completed the homework is another negative incident on a pile of unpleasant experiences of the day. For some parents, it is even more upsetting when children demonstrate that they are, to some degree, autonomous and not completely under the parents’ control. Many parents may not even realise that they regard their children as object they can control, and when that is disproven, it injures the ego. All of this baggage can easily enter the interaction between the parents and the child, though none of it has anything to do with the matter at hand. A child has simply not completed their homework.

First, tell the child what you observe. “I see that you have not finished your homework.” Say it clearly, and without expletives.

Next, share your own feelings about this observation. “I am disappointed that your homework is not finished. I feel disrespected that you did not do what we talked about earlier.” It is okay to tell your child how you feel. They know that you are a human being too. Be honest, and do not try to guilt them or make them cry. This is a moment for you to be vulnerable and make a connection with your child.

Tell the child what you need. “I need you to pay attention when we talk about what you need to do after school. I need you to follow instructions, and ask me questions if anything is not clear.” You have needs too. Sometimes children overlook this, seeing adults as all-powerful and lacking in nothing. It is okay to let them know that you have needs and that their participation in family life affects you, just as yours affects them.

Make your request of the child. “I would like for you to listen carefully when we talk about what we need to do and write it down. When you get home from school, please look at your notes and make sure you complete everything before 6pm. If you have questions, please call me and I can help you.” Let your child know that you do not expect them to know it all or remember it all. Be as available to them as possible. Make sure it is not a scary experience for them to call you or to ask for help.

Raising children who communicate clearly and can navigate difficult conversations is a part of community building. It is critical to the development of a country in which people can recognise conflict and resolve it together through conversations. They are willing to and capable of listening to one another, being empathetic and understanding different perspectives, and invested in resolution. When we can move through the four steps together, we can avoid violent language and violent actions.