The Tribune

DEAR MOM,

The world has changed so much since you passed. You would hardly recognise the products we use, from the way we make phone calls from our camera (or take pictures from our phone) to the cars we plug into an electrical outlet. Some of the new things we have are really handy.

Remember that Hoover you were so proud of? We now have a vacuum cleaner that looks like a round spaceship and crawls around on its own under the sofa to scour all the dirt you were perfectly content to leave there before the spaceship vacuum cleaner was invented. The new phones and vacuums and ovens that convect and machines that fry with air – a discovery which truly defies comprehension -- that’s the small stuff.

The big stuff is what would really blow you away.

Sorry, that was probably disrespectful given your current state.

I guess, in a way, the concept of disrespect is one of the big things that would make your eyes pop and your jaw drop. It seems like there is less respect to go around in general, but it really shows up in certain categories and circumstances. Remember how when we went to the food store there would be polite young boys who would offer to pack your bags and carry your groceries out? Nowadays, there are both girls and boys, though mostly boys, and they push and shove each other, sometimes in jest, sometimes just to push the smaller guy aside to get the next packing job themselves. They cut in front of you if you happen to be walking by. Sometimes they swear as they cut in front of you in case a single display of disrespect is not sufficient to demonstrate their anger at the world.

Not all of the packing boys are like that, of course, and you can find bullying anywhere, but in several stores it’s particularly bad. You have to choose your checkout line carefully, aiming for one with a teenage boy on the end who doesn’t look like fury and frustration are eating away at his insides at such a young age. Being the kind person you were, you would have asked me quietly (as we moved aside to let rude boys pass) what I thought happened to them that made them so angry. And I would have to answer honestly that they probably grew up in an angry environment.

Maybe they witnessed or were the victim of violence.

Maybe there was a moment when they could not take the abuse of their mother or sister any longer.

Maybe it was all understandable, but there was no one around to soften the blow, no one sweet and gentle and kind like you, to kiss them on the forehead and make it all better or strong enough like you could have been to walk away from what caused the pain.

That disrespect thing, Mom, is everywhere. People shop at large stores we call “big box stores” in clothes you would not have gone to the mailbox at the end of the drive in. They wear pajama bottoms on planes. Can you imagine? Remember how we dressed up to fly?

In The Bahamas, where I have lived for more than 40 years and am proud to be a citizen and to vote, we reserve respect for the weirdest things--like politicians--even if we don’t agree with their policies. We bow and scrape, showing more respect to them than to our own principles.

Please understand that I am using the universal “we” because I am very proud to say that I have always stood up for what I believed in, which, by the way, includes respect for the environment. It has caused me to lose some business, I’m sure, but this environment deserves more than respect. It deserves awe and our gratitude every single day. The waters, especially those in the central Exumas, in Cat Island, and around the Berry Islands, are so stunning that they are breathtaking. They should never be destroyed by the dredging of living coral reefs and endless acres of sea grasses, where conch and crawfish live and crawl in patterns only the conch and crawfish understand. Bahamians who grew up around parents and grandparents who fished and farmed get it.

Some foreigners respect the land and waters, while others have no respect for them at all and want to introduce a culture that is more like where they came from (which makes you wonder why they didn’t just stay right there to begin with.)

Sometimes I think this country that has been my home for so long is divided in two, not the two you would first think of as rich and poor, but into those who respect and those who don’t. We have all the accoutrements of a country that shows respect, politeness and propriety, yet displays behaviour suitable for a cowboy movie with motorcycle rider stars. Earlier today, I saw the most brilliant wheelie imaginable – that’s one of those stunts when the rider pulls up the front wheel of the bike, rides on the rear and goes straight down the middle of two lanes of traffic defying the reality that a motorcycle has two wheels because it’s supposed to touch the ground it slides over. In the version I saw today, the rider’s front wheel was so high in the air that he was all but tilting backwards. Like part of him was in reverse.

Police did not stop him. But once when I was wheeling a cerebral palsy victim into the House of Assembly I got stopped because I was not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, even though they were dressy heels. So, I ran with the wheelchair-bound young man, bought a pair of shoes, and made it back in time for the Persons with Disabilities presentation. I guess there are different wheel-related rules, but you can’t help but chuckle that a roadside wheelie goes unchecked while a nude-toe pushing a wheelchair is taboo out of respect for the members of Parliament.

We respect the living at church, one of the few places where most folks still dress up. You should see some of the hats! The fascinators are the strangest. Some of them look like an animal lost its feathers or feet, or both, and they found their way to the top of a head attached to something that is attached to the hair by a large pin or two.

And then there are the colourful Bahamian weddings. Remember those white wedding gowns and pastel colours for the wedding party? Subtle shades so the focus is not diverted from the star of the event. Brides are still wearing white, even if they have born three children prior to marriage. But the colours in the wedding party are wild: chartreuse, purple, lime green, fluorescent orange. It’s a sight to behold, not meant to disrespect the centre of attention, but to draw attention to the crowd adoring and adorning the newlyweds. Respect comes in many forms, but it never destroys what nature ordered.

If you really want to see respect in action today you should attend a Bahamian funeral. Poor families scrape together every penny they could not find for a child’s education to bury an elderly family member in style, all decked out in the best suit and tie and preserved body that money can buy. I am not being rude about this, and I understand the feeling of wanting to send someone you love off in style. But if they had their say, they’d probably say “spend the money on the living.” For those who go all out even if it lands them in a sinkhole of debt, it is the final show of respect. They can bury the dead with joyous music and without guilt, and with heads held high.

So much more has happened personally and in the wider world. There are new nations appearing on the globe whose names you would struggle to pronounce and whose locations you would have trouble to find.

We still rely heavily on oil, which is a shame when we have abundant sun and wind and renewables.

So much has changed and yet so much reminds us of a record that got stuck, playing the same song over and over. The rich get richer, the poor struggle in a way that breaks the coldest heart.

A store that doesn’t have walls is the largest store in the world. We have personal assistants like Alexa and Siri we have never met, the seas are rising, the storms come faster and harder with less warning than before and with so much more force than the horrible hurricane Betsy we went through while thinking it was the end of the world. We will run out of potable water if the population keeps growing at its current rate. There are still a few who believe the world is flat and climate change refers to an increase in temperature.

While so much has changed so fast, one thing has sadly lagged, oh Mother of mine. That is the state of women in society. There are places where women are still forced to wear face coverings, concealing their skin and beauty along with their ambition. There are other places, like The Bahamas, where more females finish school and college than their male counterparts, yet more males hold leadership roles and higher paying jobs. Few women, despite the talent and skills, are invited to serve as directors on boards that pay. Corporate Bahamas is shamelessly male dominated. Women, young and old, make up the majority of volunteers, keeping organisations afloat that serve as the social services safety net for a country where there is too much hunger and too little adequate public health care.

Women are the glue that holds most families together. Their strength and resilience are amazing, a beautiful thing and a tragedy for it allows their role in life to perpetuate. 

So, for my dear sweet mom who has laid in her grave for far too long and left this life way too early, I remember, respect and honour all you stood for on this special day and wish there were more like you to uphold honesty, truth and innocence.

I will always long for your approval and remember your hug. It warmed my world. May other girls be so lucky. You left too soon, but you gave so much in the short time you had. No one could ask for more.